4. Intro to Samuel 101
/Cam and Ally are unsure about what Samuel does for work, which only seems more strange when Samuel pays for three months of rent at once. This leads to an involved heist as Ally distracts Samuel with a getting-to-know-you dinner at notorious Italian restaurant Joey Pepperoni’s Pasta Explosion while Cam calls in old-roommate-and-recently-never-there Gillian to break into Samuel’s computer.
About
NEXT STOP is a Multitude production written and created by Eric Silver. You can read more about the show, including our full cast list and episode transcripts, at http://nextstopshow.com. We’re on Twitter and Instagram @NextStopShow. Join our Patreon (http://patreon.com/nextstopshow) to gain access to behind-the-scenes content, additional scenes, bloopers, and the opportunity to have your name included in the credits of Episode 10. Learn more about Multitude at http://multitude.productions
Credits
Written and Created by Eric Silver
Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Brandon Grugle
Executive Produced by Amanda McLoughlin
Assistant Directed, Casting, and Additional Editing by Julia Schifini
Starring
Yemie Sonuga (she/her/hers) as Ally Lonergan
Nick Fondulis (he/his/him) as Cameron Chabon
Ian Henry Walls (he/his/him) as Samuel Clemens
With
Mélisa Brenier-Sanders (she/her/hers) as Gillian
Samantha Cooper (she/her/hers) as Service Person
Michaela Swee (she/her/hers) as Computer
Production
Music by Evan Cunningham
Additional Scoring by Brandon Grugle
Art by Allyson Wakeman
Script Consulting by Octavia Bray
Production Consulting by Lauren Shippen
Engineered by Cara Ehlenfeldt
Bushwick Tarentella Loop by Kevin MacLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/). Source: http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/index.html?isrc=USUAN1300003 Artist: http://incompetech.com/
This podcast was recorded under the SAG-AFTRA Collective Bargaining Agreement using a cash advance from Patreon. Read more about the production process, download our free resources for fiction podcasters, and find pronouns and bios for all cast and crew at http://nextstopshow.com
Transcript
[NEXT STOP THEME PLAYS]
[Ally and Cam are settled on the couch, watching Survivor. They’re eating breakfast sandwiches, drinking coffee, and are covered entirely by blankets.]
Ally: Reality competition shows just feel better when we’re playing hooky from work. Like we also took ourselves out of our routine. We’re right with you, Boston Rob, except we don’t have to live under a lean-to for 39 days in a row.
Cam: And much less backstabbing.
Ally: True. But I did just drop a lot of Doritos on myself, which is just as dangerous as living in the wilderness of Pearl Island.
Cam: The tribe’s gonna hate that. Hey, do you think I’d be good on a show like this?
[Ally laughs]
Cam: What?
Ally: Oh god. Good for TV…
Cam: Great, great…
Ally: Not good for competition. Fan favorite for sure, but out by mid-season. Barely.
Cam: Honest, but fair. Appreciate that.
Ally: You’re welcome, my man.
[Samuel walks out of his room silently, startling Cam and Ally. Cam and Ally both yell in surprise]
Samuel: Hello, friends!
Cam: Intruder!
Ally: Intruder!
Cam: Damn, Samuel, you scared us. I didn’t even know you were home.
Samuel: Yes, I was here the entire time.
Ally: Are you always here?
Samuel: Most of the time. Sometimes the diner down the street. Sometimes I go for a walk.
Ally: Hm. Cam: Hm.
Samuel: Anyhow, compatriots of mine. I wanted to tell you something about our living situation. I came into some money recently, so I sent the landlord a check for three months of my rent. So the next three times you send them money, don’t worry about me. Y’know, because of the aforementioned thing that I just mentioned to you guys before.
Cam: Uh... okay.
Samuel: Thank you, roommates. That was Samuel Clemens, telling you some very important information. I hope you enjoyed it. And not for nothing, Cam, I think you’d do pretty good on the show. You would make it to the final five. But no further.
Cam: Thank you! That’s what I thought.
Samuel: Goodbye friends!
Cam: Bye Samuel! Huh. What a nice guy.
[Samuel returns to his room and closes the door. A beat, then…]
Ally (trying to not be overheard): That was so weird! Right?
Cam: Yeah, that was kinda weird. He’s kind of a weird guy. But like in a creepy, yet dependable butler who appears out of nowhere sort of way.
Ally: But maybe it’s the other kind of butler. Like the scary butler who definitely kills the breadwinner of the house and makes their skin into a mask and suit combo.
Cam: Hm. I wonder which one of us is the breadwinner…
Ally: Definitely you! I don’t wanna die. I don’t wanna be made into a suit and mask combo!
Cam: Well look, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt because you invited him to be our roommate. Remember?
[Whoosh as we cut to Ally from Episode 101] Ally: Cam, Samuel. Samuel, Cam. Do that bromance thing. And he said he wasn’t a creep, so all things considered, I think that’s a pretty good background check from me.
[Whoosh back to the apartment at present]
Ally: That doesn’t sound like me at all. So he’s not a creep. But what does he even do? Like, how does he make money?
Cam: I thought you talked about that when you found him?
Ally: Of course I didn’t ask him that! He said he was good for the rent, so he was good for the rent! But who pays three months ahead of time anyways?
Cam: Not sure.
Ally: You know what this means. We need to plan a heist.
Cam: I love it when a plan comes together.
[Ally and Cam laugh maniacally together]
Ally: They’re back from break, shut up.
Cam: Ooh, yeah.
[Musical stinger as we transition into the next scene. Ally and Cam are still in the apartment, planning their heist.]
Ally: Group huddle! If we’re going to heist Samuel’s life, we gotta get him out of the apartment so we can do recon.
Cam: Ooh, yeah.
Ally: Think think think think think think! I got it! Cam, if you choose to accept this mission, you gotta go in there and figure out what he’s working on. Look at his computer, any papers, maybe encrypted information or a codex. Whatever you can find.
Cam: What are you gonna do? And how will I know it's encrypted just by looking at it?
Ally: What am I gonna do? You know what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna go change. Start scouting.
[Ally runs off to her room to change.]
Cam: Time to heist. Gratuitous barrel roll!
[Cam does a barrel roll towards Samuel’s door, cooing as he does. Whoosh as we enter Samuel’s bedroom. The sound of heavy duty electronic fans buzz in the background]
Cam (coaxing, through the door): Hey, Samuel! Oh my darling, oh my darling oh my darling, Samuel Clemens-tine. Can I come in?
Samuel: Come on in, I’m just finishing up some stuff.
[Cam opens the door and enters Samuel’s room]
Cam: Oh my god. Does this thing control the entire power grid for the greater tri-state area? What is this?
Samuel: Oh, you like it? I got lost down this Internet rabbit hole for building your own computer a few years ago. I had nothing better to do, so I started ordering parts and tinkering and such. And now it’s me and the USS Gizmo sailing the World Wide Web together.
Cam: I 100% need to interrogate that further, but first... can I ask you a person question?
Samuel: Sure! Yeah, just give me one second here.
[With a series of beeps and boops, Samuel shuts down the computer, humming while he does so. He then “padlocks” the keyboard with a slam.]
Samuel: So, what did you want to ask me about?
Cam: Listen, I know this may be prying, but I gotta know. What do you for money? I didn’t get to background check you before you moved in and I know it’s last minute but I’d feel more secure as your roommate if I knew you’d be good for rent the whole time.
Samuel: Oh. Yeah, totally!
Cam: Yeah.
Samuel: I… have a job! That pays me. And. Also, let’s me work from home.
Cam: Huh. Go on.
Samuel: Oh! Uh, it’s so… it’s so boring, y’know? It’s uh, it’s a small energy company.
Cam: Called?
Samuel: Called... Enron. You wouldn’t have heard of it, it’s out of Texas... and I just got a big raise so I thought, why not get that rent out of the way. So, y’know. That...answers your question!
[Samuel laughs uncomfortably. A beat, then…]
Cam: Well, that makes sense to me. I appreciate you telling me.
Samuel: Oh yeah. Sure. Um, so, I’ve got to return to work... at the place that I work. Enron...
Cam: Oh! Enron, right sure totally. I’ll get out of your hair.
[Ally walks towards Samuel’s room.]
Ally (from outside the room): Hey Samuel, I had a great idea!
[Ally enters the room and sees the computer.] Ally: ...what is that?
Cam (simultaneously): That’s Gizmo.
Samuel (simultaneously): That’s Gizmo.
Ally: Okay...I meant the five fans and internal lighting and the multiple external hard drives and what looks like a medieval torture device holding everything together.
Samuel: Oh my god, you noticed!
Samuel (infomercial voice): It’s the Iron Maidyn: the most secure way to protect your personal computer.
Samuel (normal voice): It snakes around the keyboard, the monitor, and the computer itself, locking everything firmly in place. You can only free it by pressing six individual pressure points at once. Got it for .005 bitcoins and an Apple Store gift card. Which, at that point, was a really good deal. You guys follow bitcoin?
Cam (simultaneously): No...
Ally (simultaneously): No...
Samuel: No? It was a steal.
Ally: Anyways... Samuel, I was rooting around my room today and I found this 50 dollar gift card to Joey Pepperoni’s Pasta Explosion, and I thought what better way to invite you into the city than AH! Let’s go to Joey’s! So, what do you say? You know there’s nothing more city-dwelling than going to a chain restaurant we can find in a small town, but this time it’s in the most touristy part of the city!
Samuel: What do I say about Joey Pepperoni’s Pasta Explosion?
Ally: No…? You don’t wanna--
Samuel: Excuse me…
[Samuel steps away and then screams in delight]
Samuel: What? WHAT? Are you serious? Are you SERIOUS? Man, I haven’t been there since my 14th birthday when I was banned for drinking marinara straight from the tap. Oh! Let’s get my spaghetti fork and supporting spoon combo set, I’ll be right back!
[Samuel digs through some stuff in his closet.]
Ally (low, to Cam): Alright. This is your chance. Poke around while we’re gone.
Cam (low): How in the hell am I supposed to crack this torture rack? Also, no need, he told me where he worked.
Ally (low): He did? Oh, well that’s kind of anti-climactic.
Cam (low): Yeah, he works at an energy company in Texas.
Ally (low): What?
Cam (low): Yeah. They’re called Enron.
Ally (low): ...Enron? The company famously known for institutionalized, systematic, and creatively planned accounting fraud in 2001? And definitely doesn’t exist anymore? That Enron?!
Cam: I’ve been duped!
Ally (low): You idiot! The game is afoot!
Cam (low): Hmm. I’m going to need an extra set of hands. A codebreaker. A smoothtalker.
Ally (low): You know a person?
Cam (low): Only if I can convince her to come back for one last job.
Ally (low): Do whatever it takes.
Samuel (from inside the closet): Hey guys! I’m ready!
Ally: Okay, let’s go!
Samuel: And by ready, I mean I have never been more ready for anything else before in my entire life.
[Ally and Cam laugh nervously]
Ally: I’m gonna grab my coat, I’ll be right there.
Ally (low, to Cam): I hate this already. Do what you need to do.
Cam (low): Obvi.
Ally: Okay. I’ll distract him for as long as I can. Clear eyes, full stomach, heist Samuel.
Cam: Get me leftovers.
Ally: Absolutely not. I only have fifty bucks.
Samuel: OH MY GOD ARE YOU COMING? I CAN’T WAIT FOREVER!
Ally: Okay okay, I’m coming, I’m coming! Yay! JPPE! JPPE!
[Samuel and then Cam join in on Ally’s singing]
Cam: The P stands for Pepperoni!
[They continue singing as we fade out. Musical stinger plays. Cam is alone in the apartment.]
Cam: Okay. Time to get the team together.
[Cam pulls out his phone.]
Cam (texting): Hey, Gil.
Gillian (texting): gif of Lurch going, “You Rang?”
Cam (texting): Okay, it’s gif. Like your name. lol! Where are you right now?
Gillian (texting): Running some errands. What up?
Cam (texting): Come to the apartment. We got one last job to do.
Gillian (texting): kk hold on.
Cam (texting): I need a hacker. Someone with a knack for computers, someone with an extensive knowledge of strange security measures. You’re the only person I know who knows what bitcoin really is, which I think achieves both points.
[The front door opens, footsteps.]
Gillian (texting): Alright, I’m in.
Cam: Hello..?
Gillian: Hey. I was in the area. And no one changed the code. So I knew it.
Cam: I... definitely should have done that.
Gillian: Yeah! It was in the list of things I left for you and Ally to do after I left. Did you take my name off the gas bill?
Cam: ..yes?
Gillian: Did you keep all my mail that came to the apartment?
Cam: Yes! And by yes, I mean I have not checked the mail ever in this apartment.
Gillian: Ugh. Did you decide which of you is going to talk to the super with a kindly but stern voice when the heat doesn’t turn on?
Cam: Honestly, I still thought that would be you.
Gillian: Okay… Yeah. I’ll do that stuff once we’re done, too. So what’s the plan, Aquaman? Are we messing with your new roommate?
Cam: Well, he’s not really new - y’know it’s been a few weeks. Actually, this is the first time you’ve been back at the apartment since you moved out.
Gillian: Ah, but this is also the first time you’ve texted me to come over, so I think we’re even.
Cam: That’s 1,000% incorrect.
Gillian: What?
Cam: I invite you over all the time and you send me a squirrel emoji. Which means... you’re hoarding nuts? You can’t come because you’re washing and brushing out your tail? Jumping from tree to tree so that the children in the park can enjoy your stature?
Gillian: Okay! But I’m here now. And I’m ready to mess with your new roommate. These are the moments I'm glad I have silly string on me at all times.
Cam: Again, no. Ally and I need to know how he makes money, so I gotta get into his computer.
Gillian: Alright, well Gillian Adrianna Morganstern-Smith-Jeffords is my name and cracking passwords is my game.
Cam: Okay, but it’s not just...(mocking)...“let’s see if his password is password huh huh huh” situation.
Gillian: Alright. Yeah, yeah.
[Cam hits the padlock and chain, and it makes a rattling sound.]
Cam: Check that out.
Gillian: Oh, wow. An Iron Maidyn. Never seen one of these in real life.
Cam: Can you crack it?
Gillian: I can try. Just don’t giggle while I feel up this chain.
Cam: I will promise nothing.
[The chains shake lightly as Gillian looks for the weak pressure points. Cam giggles.]
Gillian: Why would that strawberry milkshake of a man have such a ridiculous security measures?
Cam: I have no idea. Maybe he’s on the dark web, selling and reselling weapons? Or drugs? Or he’s the IT person for the yakuza?
[Gillian gasps]
Gillian: Either way, we'll find out.
[A few beats while Gillian continues trying the lock, then…]
Cam: So, how did you seduce Halsey into being your girlfriend? Is it because you’re on Raya? Do I also have the power to seduce celebrity women?
Gillian: Okay. To answer your questions in order: 1) She’s not Halsey, 2) Yes, my screenname is PatriciaThighsmith, and 3) I will not laugh at my friend so I will respectfully say L-O-L no.
Cam: Ah. Okay.
Cam (fishing): So, uh, how’s the new apartment?
Gillian: Yeah, it’s cool. It has big windows...
Cam: This is the first time I’ve seen you in like two months and all you deign to tell me is you have windows?! Come on, what’s going on in your life?
Gillian: Well not much is different, really. Just my stuff is in the same place that my girlfriend - nay, fiancée - lives.
Cam: That is definitely helpful.
Gillian: Hey, wait a second, if we’re doing a heist, which one are you?
Cam: I’m the face.
Gillian: Okay...but...ahhh...
Cam: What?
Gillian: Well… It’s like, you do have a face, that’s true. But that’s it.
Cam (bursting, yelling): I WILL SHUT THIS OPERATION DO-
Cam (catches his volumes, whispers): I will shut this operation down if you don’t acknowledge me as the face.
[A few small clicks on the chain as Gillian presses four of the pressure points.]
Gillian: Okay, I think I got it. I just need you to press that small circle on top of the keyboard.
Cam: This one?
Gillian: Yeah. Now, very gently, press down with both thumbs. Like you’re massaging a hamster.
Cam: Oh, of course, so relatable, from my time as a masseuse down at PetCo.
[Loud clicks and electronic beeps and boops.]
COMPUTER: Partial Unlock. If not completed, Iron Maidyn Security Protocol to engage in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4...
Gillian: MASSAGE IT Cam!
Cam: I’M DOING IT!
Gillian: THAT’S TOO HARD, BE MORE GENTLE!
Cam: I THOUGHT THIS HAMSTER NEEDED DEEP TISSUE!
Gillian: NO, LIGHTER!
COMPUTER: 3, 2, 1-
Cam (simultaneously): AAAAAH!
Gillian (simultaneously) : AAAAAH!
[A beat, then…]
COMPUTER: Unlock completed. Iron Maidyn disarmed.
[The chains drop to the floor. Cam and Gillian sigh in relief.]
Gillian: Whew. Well, I’m calling PetCo to get you fired immediately.
Cam: Fine, but I’m taking my regulars with me. Especially Hammy.
[Musical stinger as we transition to Joey Pepperoni’s Pasta Explosion. JPPE is basically Olive Garden if it injected itself with 100cc of the energy of donkey sauce. The raditude is turned up to 11, which is what makes it a great place for kids birthday parties and hipster ironic hangouts. It’s loud with diners and the eclectic mix of cliche Italian music they play on repeat. Ally and Samuel are seated. Samuel is very excited while Ally is keeping an eye on the clock to keep him out as long as possible.]
Samuel: I can’t believe we’re here! The JPPE in the city is the crown jewel of the franchise. This is a dream come true for me. Ally, you absolutely shouldn’t have.
Ally: No, hey, don’t worry about it. This is totally on me. Get whatever you want.
Waiter: Hey hey hey! Welcome to Joey Pepperoni’s Pasta Explosion, where we mix the chemicals of fun, family, and quick service for a conflagration of good times. How can I delight your mouth feels?
[Samuel and Ally open the literal book that is the menu.]
Samuel: Wow, there’s just so much I would love to enjoy in my mouth feels, I cannot decide. Hmmmm. What do you recommend?
Waiter: Well! Our specialty is Grandma’s Sauce Over Everything, where you can pick whatever you want on the menu, but we cover it with sauce!
Samuel: That! That, I want that! I want that I want that I want that on a steak. Oh!
Waiter: A great order. Perfection! And for you?
Ally: Uh, I’m just gonna have a Parmesan Whatever. And a pinot noir.
Waiter: Ah! It’s actually pronounced P-NOT.
Ally: ...it’s pinot.
Waiter: Yes yes yes. But here, it’s P-NOT.
Samuel: Oh, no no. Ally! Ally, my parents always used to get P-NOT and I always wanted to get P-NOT when I was older! I’ll have a P-NOT too.
Waiter: Great! And, oh! You’ll save money if you get a pitcher.
Ally: What is a pitcher of wine?
Waiter: Like a really large glass. One pitcher of P-NOT. And here...
[The Waiter drops a basket of bread on the table.]
Waiter: ...is our bread basket. The bread basket of your dreams.
Samuel: ...the bread basket of my dreams.
Ally: Are you okay?
Samuel: Ally… Ally.
Ally: Samuel?
Samuel: I have heard tell of this bread basket. This is the flagship bread basket of JPPE. It has six different types of ciabatta. It is...Breathtaking.
Ally: Oh, no.
[Ally takes out her phone and texts Cam under the table.]
Ally (texting): Cam ABORT MISSION. Abort mission HARD. This place is terrible. I got in way too deep and now I'm drowning in Grandma's Special Sauce.
Cam (texting): WHAT?! No way. This heist was your idea.
Ally (texting): What’re you talking about?! It was your idea.
[Whoosh as we cut back to earlier that day.]
Ally: You know what this means. We need to plan a heist.
[Whoosh as we cut back to present.]
Ally (texting): Fine, it was my idea. But I hate it. I hate it a lot. I’m gonna cut this short.
Cam (texting): No, no. We gotta figure out what he does, even if you have to hate-eat spaghetti.
Ally (texting): I am giving you thirty minutes. Plus the train ride home. And the inevitable train delays because that guy was taking cool pictures of the tunnel. But that is it.
Cam (texting): #HeistYouLater. Over and out.
Ally (texting): #IHateYouSoMuch!
[The message sent sound is heard in the scene, and Samuel hears.]
Ally (texting and out loud): Ughhh.
Samuel: What was that about?
Ally: Ughhh I’m so happy to get eating! JPPE! Woot woot!
Samuel: JPPE! Woot woot!
Waiter: JPPE! Woot woot!
[Musical transition back to the apartment. We hear Gillian typing and the sounds of a computer game.]
Cam: We’re on a time crunch now. Ally hates chain restaurants that bring joy to millions around the world, so she wants to bail.
Gillian: I’m hacking into the mainframe now.
Cam: You’re playing minesweeper.
Gillian: Okay, I have two roles, hacker and the brains of the operation. Let me do both. Now, what am I looking for exactly?
Cam: I don’t know, just something sinister or weird or illegal. Like, what do you think that folder labeled “invoices” is for? It’s too on the nose. It has to be something nasty.
Gillian: Yeah! Like incredibly specific porn.
Cam: Or specs for 3D printing weapons.
Gillian: Or specs for 3D printing incredibly specific porn.
[More mouse clicking and typing.]
Gillian: Huh, it was just invoices. Go figure.
Cam: And they’re all meticulously labeled. It seems like he sends one out every month on exactly the same day at exactly the same time.
Gillian: And they’re backed up to an online database.
Cam: Oh man, he’s good.
Gillian: Hm. Let me try this...
[More mouse clicking and typing.]
Cam: What are you doing?
Gillian: Well, this is his main computer, right? So he probably saves all of his information when he’s buying stuff online or filling out a form or trolling for tomahawk missiles on the dark web. That means that that info is probably stored in his browser so...
[More mouse clicking and typing.]
Gillian: ...if we just do the right search and find that keychain...
[More mouse clicking and typing.]
Gillian: ...aha! All of Samuel Clemens’ personal information, if that is his real name.
[Cam yelps and shuts the monitor off.]
Gillian: Woah, woah, woah, what are you doing?
Cam: I just... we don’t know if he’s actually a drug runner or an online arms dealer or has an illegal Etsy shop. I don’t want his info unless we know he’s doing something wrong.
Gillian: But we can’t run his information until we look at it.
Cam: I just don’t want to know my roommate’s social security number until I have to, okay?
Gillian (soothing): Okay, okay. We’ll go back to searching specific phrases with “sex” in them.
Cam: Thank you.
[Gillian turns the computer back on and starts typing]
Gillian: Sex plus amateur.
Cam: Mm. Plus squirrel nuts.
Gillian: Plus squirrel nuts. Plus avocado. That is surpris-- Huh.
Cam: Wow. That’s a lot of recipes.
[Musical stinger as we transition back to Joey Pepperoni’s Pasta Explosion. Ally is staring at the clock on her phone, waiting for the food to show up, as Samuel just takes it all in. Eventually, Ally breaks the silence.]
Ally: You really like this place, don’t you?
Samuel: Well, yeah, it was kinda the only restaurant in Whip’s End. You had to drive at least like, thirty minutes on the highway to find anywhere else that had actual waiters and actual, y’know, tables. This place is incredibly goofy, but I have really fond memories here.
Ally: Yeah, I know what you mean. I had one of those kinds of places where I grew up, but it was extremely authentic Mexican food, like from Yucatan? Not really sure how they ended up at The Edge of the World, but I still crave plantains every time I drink too much.
Samuel: Yeah, I mean, I guess I feel that way about twice-fried mozzarella. I guess that’s why it meant so much to come here.
Ally: Yeah, like. No worries at all. It was a huge deal when it opened a few years ago. Locals kept going ironically, but the tourists kept coming unironically. Now it’s kind of flipped and everyone just loves it. It’s why this gift card is worth its weight in gold.
Samuel: Truly. But I guess we’re the ones in the know, right? The patrons who keep coming back. Really though, thank you for inviting me. I’ve been thinking about home lately and why I moved here and this… I dunno, this felt like such a good combo of the two, if that makes sense.
Ally: Yeah, that makes sense. If there was a giant dimmer switch that could turn everything down by 300 percent, I would totally get it.
[The two sit in silence for a few beats, picking at their food.]
Samuel: I, ummm… So, I cannot really afford to go home right now. I want to, of course, and I feel bad that I am still here, like I dunno, like I have been missing something by moving out here. So, this is kinda the closest I got.
Ally: It might be for the best. Every time I head home, no matter how long I stay for, I always feel like I’m abandoning ‘em as soon as I leave. It just makes you feel worse than when you decided to go, and you’re out the cost of a plane ticket.
Samuel: But...I mean, we’re not, right?
Ally: No. Of course not. We’re following our dreams in the big city, trying to be the biggest and the best!
Samuel: Yeah, I guess so. The biggest and the best. That’s bartending for you, then?
Ally: I don’t know if I should be insulted or not. But uh, no. I have a dual degree in Mythology and Cinema Studies, which makes me the first horror movie undergraduate major in history. You may clap now.
[Samuel politely applauds]
Ally: Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. I was going to write for a magazine or like, be a part of a movie studio or something like that. It was going to be a job that no one else had in the world. “Screams Consultant.” I got that on a business card as soon as I graduated, white font on black background. I think they’re buried in my room somewhere.
Samuel: Hm. Well, I mean. Maybe that’s good marketing, y’know? You wanna be a horror consultant, so you bury these cards and maybe they come back, rising from the dead in the middle of the night when you’re not looking!
Ally: Yeah, that’s definitely what I mean to do. But no, I’ll get there. I think. The money is good at the bar, and I’m saving up.
Samuel: Do you… mind if I ask for what?
Ally: I... I’m not really sure. Maybe I have to stop saving up to figure that out.
Waiter: Hi! Me again! Your bread basket refill.
[The thump of the basket hitting the table.]
Waiter: And your pitcher of P-NOT.
[The slosh of the pitcher hitting the table.]
Ally: ….pinot.
Samuel: The bread basket are BOTTOMLESS HERE?
Ally (texting Cam under the table): CAM. GET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW. I JUST ADMITTED A LOT OF PERSONAL THINGS AND I’M RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS.
[The Text message sends. Musical transition back to the apartment with Gillian and Cam. Cam’s phone chimes while Gillian slowly types on the computer.]
Gillian: Cam, we’ve been at this for an hour. No porn. No drugs. No blockchain. No subprime mortgages. No cryptic letters to B-level actors. Nothing. What are we even looking for?
Cam: I don’t know! I thought we’d find something by now. And Ally’s running out of time.
Gillian: Okay, it’s time to pull the trigger. Let’s get his personal info.
Cam: No! Wait, wait, wait, we can’t do that.
Gillian: Why? We spent all this time and energy cracking that wild security system and we’ve found nothing. This is what we have to do if you want the dirt on your new roomie.
Cam: He’s probably just some tech nerd. It’s not that big of a deal.
Gillian: What happened to the heist? What happened to the commitment to the bit?!
Cam: Fine!
[Cam stomps over to the computer and types quickly.]
Cam: There you go. His social security number ends in a five and he made six dollars in interest last year. Congrats. You can go home now.
Gillian: What’s going on with you? We did the thing and now you’re mad at me that we did it?
Cam: Gillian, I don’t really care about getting dirt on Samuel. I just... I just wanted to hang out.
Gillian: ...what? We hang out all the time.
Cam: Are you serious? Where have you been, Gillian? I thought we were friends, but friends don’t disappear off the map. You’ve been living it up who knows where - I don’t even know where your apartment is! Remember when we’d sit on the couch and watch TV and make dumb jokes for hours? I’ve gotten like four texts from you in two months. I thought this heist would bring us together, but I was wrong and this was stupid and I’m just gonna call it off before you get Samuel’s bank routing number or something.
[A beat, then…]
Gillian: I didn’t know you felt that way. I never want you to feel that way. I’m so sorry. You know we’re still friends, right?
Cam: It’s fine. Whatever. I’m texting Ally that the heist off.
[Musical stinger back to Joey Pepperoni’s Pasta Explosion. The food is out and Samuel is digging at his steak so happily you can hear his smile.]
Ally: I’m... genuinely happy I could do this for you. (beat) Wait, you just said you didn’t have any money to go home. How did you pay three months of rent?
Samuel: Oh… Right. That did look a little funny, doesn’t it huh? Well, you get it. Our rent here is like five times more than a house in Whip’s End, so it’s been a little difficult for me. But I’ve been keeping myself afloat as an online IT helper, and there’s this website that pays you to take surveys? It is incredibly dull work, and it doesn't actually pay much, but I power through. The trick is keeping five surveys up at a time plus the IT chat, so you can submit answers to a survey, have them load, and go to the next one, respond to a question, jump back to the survey, take another--
Ally: Which is why you built such a wild computer...
Samuel: It helps a lot, yeah.
Ally: Wait, that still doesn’t answer why you paid three months of rent in advance?
Samuel: Ha, yeah right. So that… that was… Okay look. Even though I had all of these remote jobs together and could live in the city with a budget, I still needed to keep up with work for 10 hours a day. It was a safety net, but I think the net was still holding me back. My brain was so occupied with survey optimization that I couldn’t focus on why I actually moved here. So, I collected my life savings, every penny I had, and made sure I wouldn’t have any regular expenses for three months so… (beat, revealing) Okay...so I could… So that I could write a speculative script.
Ally: No. Way.
Samuel: Gah, I know that sounds dumb. It is dumb.
Ally: No! Nonononono oh my gosh, no! That’s why you moved out here? Samuel, that is totally awesome.
Samuel: You think?
Ally: Absolutely! What a classic dream, and you’re like, really living it.
Samuel: I mean, I’m trying. It’s not like I have a script or anything done yet, or--
Ally: Sammy Sammy Sammy, you are. You are living it. I’m proud of you.
[Ally picks up her glass.]
Ally: A toast. To living our dreams. Or, at least, trying to.
Samuel: Cheers.
Ally: Cheers!
[Samuel picks up his glass, they clink them together and drink. Ally nearly gags.]
Ally: Ugh, that tastes like a P-NOT.
Samuel: Oh wow, way worse than I thought.
[Musical stinger as we transition back to the apartment. Cam’s phone vibrates – text message received. He picks it up and reads the message from Ally.]
Cam (to Gillian): Well, good thing we didn’t just steal Samuel’s identity. He’s definitely not a criminal. Just a big nerd who wants to write TV.
Gillian: I knew that tall drink of 2% milk couldn't be a criminal.
Cam: No! You absolutely thought he was! You wanted to cross-reference his credit card purchases with online inventories to figure out the best way to blackmail him!
Gillian: Nuh uh! I got swept up by the heist! You make things fun!
Cam: Don’t try to blame me with my inherent ability to empower friends! But yeah, we make things fun.
Gillian: That is accurate.
Cam: True.
Gillian: Listen, I’m sorry, again. I got so swept up in all the change, I forgot that we were gonna hang out. We’ll hang out, I appreciate your friendship, and I’ll do better next time.
Cam: You mean that?
Gillian: I do.
Cam: Cool. I would like that a lot. You wanna watch something? We started a new season of Survivor.
Gillian: Oh, hell yeah. I call the far left side of the couch.
Cam: Wait. Why do you like that spot? It’s way too close to the air conditioner.
Gillian: Ah, but it’s also the optimal angle to view Jeff Probst’s shirts. So you gotta pick your priorities.
Cam: Mmm. You get heated up by the shirts, cooled down by the conditioner…
Gillian: It’s a win-win. Life’s all about balance, baby.
[Musical transition, to later. Cam and Gillian are sitting on the couch, watching Survivor. It is calm, chill, and easy.]
Cam: You think I’d be good at this game?
Gillian: Fan favorite, but gone way early.
Cam: That’s what Ally said.
Gillian: Great minds, amiright?
Cam: Hm!
[Samuel and Ally return. They are sluggish and full.]
Ally: I am never eating ever again.
Samuel: I, too, also, as well, am never eating again.
Ally: Heads up, leftovers coming through. It’s mostly tomato sauce, so be careful.
Cam: I am always careful.
[Ally throws a bag of leftovers to Cam, which he opens and promptly spills on himself.]
Gillian: Oh god.
Cam: ...I opened it and it spilled all over my good PJ bottoms.
Ally: What did I just say?
Cam: I have to live on the edge. That’s why I’m a reality show fan favorite.
Gillian: Confirmed.
Ally: Gillian! Welcome back to your spot on the couch. Which is now my spot on the couch. It missed you.
Gillian: I missed it.
Samuel: Well, I need to lay down for at least eight hours in a row and then get back to work. So...Have fun, everyone.
[Cam and Gillian boo.]
Ally: Noooo! Sam the man, work can wait. Reality show competitions are forever.
[Cam, Gillian, and Ally chant “stay”]
Samuel: Wait but that’s not-- Okay!
[Cam, Gillian, and Ally cheer. Samuel pulls up a chair from the kitchen table, and everyone settles into their spot in the couch.]
Samuel: Hey, um. Guys? Just….thought experiment. How do you think I would do on one of these shows?
Cam (simultaneously): Airlifted out because of a freak injury.
Ally (simultaneously): Airlifted out because of a freak injury.
Gillian: Oh, yeah I can totally see that.
Samuel: That’s um… That’s like a good thing?
Gillian: For sure good. You’d come back on an All Stars season and shake things up.
Samuel: I’ll take it.
[Music begins to play]
Cam: You’re the guy no one trusts with a spear.
Ally: Wait wait wait, what would I be?
[NEXT STOP Theme plays]
NEXT STOP is a Multitude Production created by Eric Silver. You can find our full cast list, credits, and transcripts at NextStopShow.com