5. The Boreanaz Paradox
/Samuel’s mom is coming to visit and he’s a nervous wreck. Samuel tries to get his mom on the phone as she’s led through the city by famous actor David Boreanaz. Ally cannot control herself because she is a massive Boreanazite... and she happens to be waiting for a terrible package company to deliver a life-size pillow of his torso.
About
NEXT STOP is a Multitude production written and created by Eric Silver. You can read more about the show, including our full cast list and episode transcripts, at http://nextstopshow.com. We’re on Twitter and Instagram @NextStopShow. Join our Patreon (http://patreon.com/nextstopshow) to gain access to behind-the-scenes content, additional scenes, bloopers, and the opportunity to have your name included in the credits of Episode 10. Learn more about Multitude at http://multitude.productions
Credits
Written and Created by Eric Silver
Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Brandon Grugle
Executive Produced by Amanda McLoughlin
Assistant Directed, Casting, and Additional Editing by Julia Schifini
Starring
Yemie Sonuga (she/her/hers) as Ally Lonergan
Nick Fondulis (he/his/him) as Cameron Chabon
Ian Henry Walls (he/his/him) as Samuel Clemens
With
Jo Young (she/her/hers) as Sam’s Mom
Kristen Dimercurio (she/her/hers) as Quikship Employee
Zach Valenti (he/him/his) & Zach Libresco (he/him/his) as Tourists
Production
Music by Evan Cunningham
Additional Scoring by Brandon Grugle
Art by Allyson Wakeman
Script Consulting by Octavia Bray
Production Consulting by Lauren Shippen
Engineered by Cara Ehlenfeldt
This podcast was recorded under the SAG-AFTRA Collective Bargaining Agreement using a cash advance from Patreon. Read more about the production process, download our free resources for fiction podcasters, and find pronouns and bios for all cast and crew at http://nextstopshow.com
Transcript
[NEXT STOP THEME PLAYS]
[Ally and Cam are hanging out on the couch. Ally is repeatedly tapping on her phone, refreshing and refreshing a delivery service. Samuel is running around the apartment cleaning. Mostly, he’s vacuuming everything.]
Ally: C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon! Where are you, where are you, where are you?! C’monnnnnnn.
Samuel: Move your legs.
[Vacuuming goes off into the distance of the apartment.]
Cam: Ally, what are you doing? You’re treating your computer like a baseball dad treats the whimsy of his 10-year-old children.
Cam (dad voice): You have to be a star or you don’t get to be a part of this family!
Ally: I ordered these throw pillows weeks ago, and they’re finally gonna show up, and they’re really really really cute, and I want them already. One is an oversized grapefruit and the other is a to-scale model head and chest of David Boreanaz. Mmm. MMM!
Cam: Wait...From Bones?
Ally: Uh, yes. Yes! And Buffy. And from my heart. The problem is, this freaking website won’t reload with any new info about where it is or when it’s showing up. The estimated time is: today? With an actual question mark! How is that even allowed?
Cam: That sucks. Who’s shipping it?
Ally: Um, let me check...
Samuel: Lift your butts.
Cam: Lifting!
[Ally groans. Samuel vacuums.]
Ally: QuikShip.
Cam: Oh, no. QuikShip? The one that’s spelled without a C? If they’re missing letters, they’re also missing customer service.
Ally: That sounds like an online review you’ve already written.
Cam: It was! PBandCam1991 takes no prisoners. 1 out of 5 stars.
Ally: I guess I could call their customer service, but why would I talk to a real person on the phone when I have these bytes and boops right in front of me?
[The conversation is interrupted by vacuuming that is dangerously close. Samuel is vacuuming Cam’s shirt.]
Cam: Hey, buddy? Watcha doin’ with a vacuum brush so close to my face?
Samuel: Oh don’t even worry about it. I got it handled. Just stay super still. Your sweatshirt is covered in hot cheddar Cheezy-Os. It’s fine. It’s fine! You just got crumbs everywhere. Although Cheezy-Os are, as the branding suggests, the cheesiest, they’re also the crumbliest. I just wanted to take care of it. Oh. There’s more in your hair. I will get that for you, don’t worry--
Cam: Ah, no thank you!
[Cam pulls away from Samuel.]
Cam: That’s a touch invasive, Samuel Clemens 2: Attack of the Clems. What’s going on with you?
Samuel: Um, well, y’know...My mom is coming into the city today. She’s never been here before, but she wanted to support me in my endeavors out in the world, so I said okay, why not, what could possibly go wrong? And I..I thought her plane would land, she’d get in on a taxi or something and we’d meet at the M&Ms store, which is, by the way, her favorite store anywhere in any place, in any universe. Remember that when you meet her. I’m serious, do not forget that when you meet her. Hey. Hey. Look me in the eyes. Both of you!
Ally: Okay…
Samuel: Do not. Forget.
Cam: Okay, M&Ms. Got it.
Samuel: M&Ms store is her favorite. It’s her favorite in the whole wide world. So, uhhh… I thought that I would meet her there. Y’know? And now, she has told me instead that she’s gonna take a train from the airport to our apartment.
Ally: Yikes, that’s hard even for a Malcolm Gladwell expert on the train. 10,000 hours of not falling asleep on a stranger.
Cam: Oh, yeah, it’s a shuttle to one line, go a few stops, then switch to another line-
Samuel (stressing out): I know exactly what the route is, Cameron!
Cam: Oh, I missed a few--
Samuel: It’s okay. It’s okay, look. I looked up all the routes, every single possible one that she could take to get here, I printed them out, look, they’re right here.
[Samuel gathers up paper printouts and maps and handwritten routes.]
Samuel: Every. Last. One of them. And I checked for delays and service changes and rerouting, compared and contrasted, and found the easiest route. And I’m going to give her directions because, you know what? I’ve been here long enough. I’m a city-dweller. I know what’s going on.
Cam: Yeah...Sure thing, you got this. But, y’know, if you need any help, I mean we can just use our--
Samuel (bursting): I am a city-dweller and I am using my experience and I will guide my mother to our home! Okay?!
Cam: That is exactly what I was going to say!
Samuel: Great! Now, back to vacuuming.
[Samuel begins vacuuming again. Samuel’s phone starts buzzing, but he doesn’t hear it over his cleaning.]
Ally: Samuel. Samuel! Samuel, your phone is going off!
Samuel (screaming): AHH!
[The clatter of the vacuum on the ground as Samuel sprints over to the couch to answer his phone.]
Samuel (composing himself): Hey Mom, hey...How’s it going? What’s up? Good to hear you, have you landed, is everything okay?
Mom (on speakerphone): Samuel Clemens, I am just fine. More than fine, delighted. The plane has landed, I have my bags, and I’m on this fancy shuttle train shooting right to the train system. Can you believe a small train takes me to a bigger train? Big city living. You guys are all high-falutin’ and stuff.
Samuel: Hah, real fancy pants, Mom. So you’re already on a train! You’re ahead of schedule. Wow, okay. Well, since it’s Saturday and almost 11 AM, I think that the best route--
Mom: Samuel, don’t worry. I know what to do.
Samuel: You do?
Mom: Of course! Do you think your country mouse mother can’t navigate this on her own?
Samuel: No! No, no. I mean, of course I do think that you can handle it, I just wanted to make sure that-
Mom: And if I get lost, I have someone who can help me.
Samuel: Oh. Uh, who is that?
Mom: It’s David.
Samuel: David who?
Mom (leans away from the phone): David, my son wants to know who you are. What is your last name? Oh god, how do you spell that? You should change that. Okay. Mom (returns to the phone): Honey, his name is David Boreanaz.
[Ally falls off the couch, laughing maniacally]
Mom: Well he says he’s here all the time and knows all about the neighborhood where you’re living and he can escort me there.
Ally (screaming in the background): Your mom is hanging out with David Boreanaz?! And they’re on the shuttle from the airport back to our apartment?!
Samuel: Yeah, Ally? I guess--I guess so? I’m not really sure what’s happening here. Mom, I have directions, you don’t need someone to escort you, especially not David Boreanaz.
Mom: Oh, you know him? Does he work with you? Did you send him here, you sneaky little devil?
Samuel: No! No, absolutely not, I do not work with that two-bit hack!
Mom: Honey! He said he doesn’t recognize your name, but he loves how hard working the crew is. See, that’s good! You should have told me though that he was a manager.
Ally (yelling): David! David? David, hi hi hi hi hi! Hi, it’s me! It’s me, Ally Lonergan! Biggest fan of yours, oh my god! David David David David David, I loved you in The Crow! I looooooved you in The Crow.
Samuel: Ally, Ally please! This is my mother!
[Samuel and Ally bicker before Samuel’s Mom cuts in.]
Mom: Honey! Honey, are you getting mugged? What is happening?
Samuel: No, no! It’s all good, Mom!
Mom: Okay, okay. Samuel Clemens, sweetie, I have got to go because the train is going underground and I’m losing service, so I will see you soon! Oh, and make sure your room is clean before I get there. Even under the bed. And you better not have porn under there.
[The click of the phone hanging up.]
Samuel: No, no. Don’t worry Mom! No porn under the bed! I will clean, everything will be fine, it will be okay, Mom. Mom? Heh, hey Mom? Mom! ...She hung up on me. I have no idea where she is. I have no idea how she’s gonna get here. I have no idea when she’s gonna get here.
Ally (bursting): And a pillow with David Boreanaz’s face and torso may show up today? On the exact same day that he is coming to this apartment? Oh my god, is this a dream? Or is this a nightmare? Is this a dream? Or is this a nightmare? Or is it both? Am I lucid dreaming? Oh my god, Cam, pinch me. Pinch me! Am I lucid dreaming? No! Don’t pinch me. Turn off the lights! That’s how you can tell if you’re lucid dreaming or not. Turn them off! Turn them on? Turn them off! Turn them on! Oh my god!
[Ally quietly mutters “oh my god” to herself in the corner.]
Cam: I’m sorry, I can’t, I’m still trying to get the crumbs off my shirt for Samuel’s mom. Somehow there are even more crumbs than before...
Samuel: STOP EATING CHEEZY-OS!
Cam: Not gonna do that.
[Cam grabs and starts the vacuum.]
[Musical stinger as we transition to later. Cam, Samuel, and Ally are waiting around the apartment for the doorbell to ring. Samuel is extremely bummed out, and he sighs deeply and loudly.]
Cam (consoling): Hey, friend. There’s nothing to be upset about. Your mom is on her way and she’s gonna love this great apartment.
[Samuel sighs loudly again, longer this time.]
Cam: Okay...So she didn’t need your directions, big deal. She sounds like a self-assured woman who knows what she wants. I mean, she named you Samuel Clemens, which is a power move by a very specific type of person.
Ally (singing): What Mrs. Clemens wants, Mrs. Clemens gets.
Samuel: Her last name isn’t Clemens.
Cam: Wait, what?
Ally: Right, I forgot about that! What’s her last name?
Samuel: Werr-chester.
Cam: Like the sauce?
Samuel: Yeah, well it’s spelled like you would pronounce the name. Werr-chester. Werr-chester. Werr-chester. Yeah. Lot of S’s in there. Lot of T’s. Couple of silent Ts. A lot of letters you wouldn’t expect, but hey. My great-great-grandfather changed it from the sauce a little while ago. “No fake letters - that’s only for carpetbaggers and tax attorneys,” he’d always say.
Ally: So why are you Samuel Clemens?
Samuel: She always told me she read about Mark Twain in a fun fact book when she was a little girl. It always stuck with her, that you could have one name you showed the world, but another one that your mother actually gave you. And when she was alone in the delivery room, she decided she’d name me what she wanted, so I’d always have a family name and I could call myself whatever I wanted. Also, painkillers? Hell of a drug. They were running through her veins like whitewater rapids, and that was definitely a contributing factor.
Ally: Oh my gosh, that’s sweet. And kind of different from what you told me when we first met.
Samuel: Yeah well, we were strangers and you were kinda chasing me on a train platform. And I was terrified, so.
Ally: I have never chased you in my life. And I have NEVER terrified you either. But fair.
Cam: I feel like we just leveled up our friendship. Now we know you better and I can use lightning once per long rest.
Samuel: Together, we can do an attack with twice as much damage and that poisons for three rounds.
Ally: And I gotta say, as mothers on painkillers go, that’s not a bad name to get.
Cam: Oh, yeah. Imagine if your name was Ernest Hemingway? Or Charles Dickens. Someone willingly made a child’s last name Dick-ens.
Samuel: Elementary school would have been cruel.
Ally: Yeah! And what if your mom was a U.S. history buff? Ally (imitating a mom): “This is my child, J. Edgar Hoover. Say hi to the nice lady, J. Edgar.”
Cam (imitating a pre-show announcer): “The role of the tree will be played by Chester A. Arthur.”
Samuel: Oh, no no no no. My brother played a tree, I would be a terrible tree.
Ally: I can see that.
Cam: Oh, what about, like, ancient world history, and it’s just one name, so she keeps her last name. You could have been Caligula Worchester. Sounds… ew. That sounds like a super sexy dipping sauce–
Cam (imitating a commercial VO): “Coming to an Arby’s near you. Lap it up.”
Ally (imitating a teen): “I’m so excited to go to the prom with Mussolini Worchester! Dad, take our picture, Mussolini’s going to be here any moment!”
Samuel (imitating a teen): “Hello, sir. I am Mao Worchester, and I will be taking your daughter out tonight. I’ll have her home by midnight.”
Cam (imitating a dad): “Son, I don’t care what autocrat you’re named after. You will have her home by eleven.”
[The doorbell rings, and someone knocks.]
Samuel: Mom?
Ally (louder): David pillow?!
[Ally springs up to answer the door, blocking Samuel out. Quikship Employee is standing there with a box.]
Quikship Employee: Sign.
Ally: That might be me. Gimme!
Quikship Employee: Oh, god.
Samuel (from behind Ally): Oh! Oh hey hey! Is my mom there? Quikship Employee! Is my mom there?
Ally: Back up, Sam!
[Ally tears open the box in a frenzy, laughing maniacally as she does.]
Ally: My pillow! There’s the grapefruit pillow. Ah, so soft! But where’s the other one?
Quikship Employee: Other one?
Ally: The other one!
Quikship Employee: What other one?
Ally: THE OTHER ONE!
Quikship: Ugh, okay fine. Lemme check my thing. Beep boop bop beep boop. Oh, yeah. There’s only one here now. The other box is coming in... some amount of time? It has a question mark.
Ally: What? Lemme see that.
[Ally grabs the small computer from the QUICKSHIP EMPLOYEE’s hand. It beeps.]
Ally: Oh my god. It really does have the question mark.
Quikship Employee: Weird. Alright, later guys.
[Ally grabs Quikship Employee by the front of the shirt.]
Ally: Listen Quikship lady. I ordered two pillows and I’m gonna get two pillows. I better see you back here in a few hours with my stuff. Ya got it?
Quikship Employee: Uh...Crystal.
Ally: What?
Quikship Employee: Crystal clear.
Ally: That’s...that’s not what I asked.
Quikship Employee: I dunno, man, you’re scaring me.
Ally: Ma’am. The term is ma’am. And fine! Get lost. Y’know what, get lost! But make sure you get back here with my pillow!
[Quikship Employee runs out. Samuel groans.]
Samuel: Ugh...She’s still not here. It shouldn’t take this long. I'm gonna call her.
[Samuel calls his Mom.]
[The sound of children playing and tourists chattering in the background pour out of the phone.]
Mom (on speakerphone): Samuel Clemons!
Samuel: Hey Mom… Where are you? Are you okay?
Mom (on speakerphone): What? Sorry, honey, I can’t really hear you. You’re going to have to speak up.
Samuel: Uh, sorry.
[Samuel clears his throat]
Samuel (shouting): Mom, are you there?!
Mom (on speakerphone): Ha ha, David, come on, I can’t buy all that. I only brought one suitcase! Oh, you’re gonna take care of it? That is so nice of you. I might just give you a little smooch on the cheek.
Samuel: Mom, stop being nice to David Boreanaz!
Mom (on speakerphone): Honey! Yes, I know, I’m sorry. David was just being such a nice man, you know? Buying me all these M&Ms. Honey, they have my face on them! The good one, where I had the good hair that day? Oh! And they’re peanut, which you know are my favorite.
Samuel: Of course I know that, Mom. Wait, I’m sorry, what? You’re at the M&M store?
Mom (on speakerphone): Yes?
Samuel: With David?
Mom (on speakerphone): Yes!
Samuel: David Boreanaz?
Mom (on speakerphone): I told you that already!
Samuel: But, Mom. I was going to take you to the M&M store, remember?
Mom (on speakerphone): Honey, I know, but David said this was a shortcut, and I told him how much I was looking forward to it, so we just ended up here. It’s not my fault.
Tourist 1 (on speakerphone): Excuse me, cool dude, and Miss Excellent Babe? Can we take a photo together? Your visage will complete our scrap book about our trip.
Tourist 2 (on speakerphone): Mr. David Boreanaz, we also love the American candy M&M. You know, doesn’t melt in the hand but in the mouth!
Mom (on speakerphone): Oh wee, honey! David is popular! You should ask for one-on-ones with him at your job and get him to teach you his ways, cause he can work magic anywhere he is. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. I bet he gets all the accounts at your job.
Samuel: The accounts? What accounts, Mom? There are no accounts! This is not Mad Men! What do you think I do? What do you think David Boreanaz does? ...I’m sorry, Mom. Just, when do you think you’ll be here?
Mom (on speakerphone): Honey, to answer your question, I really don’t know what David...whatever his name is, does! And to answer to your second question, I’m gonna be there soon! It’s a shortcut. Can you hear me? It’s a shortcut! And it won’t take much longer.
Samuel: Yeah, I can hear you Mom! Okay. That’s fine. You’re on a shortcut. But I really think if you’re gonna take a shortcut, I can tell you how to get here from there, it’s just a straight line-- Mom (on speakerphone): Ah, you want me in the picture too? No way! This is the best day of my life! Okay, David, I’m gonna be right there. Honey, sweetie, baby, I’ve gots to go cause, um... Well, the fans are calling to me. I feel like I’m on Broadway already and I’m-- Well, I’m kinda standing on Broadway… Okay, anyway, I’ll talk to you later!
Tourist 2 (on speakerphone): Real American mom! Wow!
Mom: Oh, I am not worthy. Ha!
[The click of a phone hanging up.]
Samuel: Oh, Mom! Hey, Mom, please! You just need to stop for a second and-- Mom? Mom! MOM! ...She went to the M&M store. Without me. She took David Boreanaz instead of me! Ooh, yup. You know, we were going to get sweatshirts there. Matching sweatshirts, They were gonna say “I’m with the nutty one.” Get it? “I’m with the nutty one”? Peanut butter M&Ms.
[Samuel dissolves into tears.]
Samuel: It’s not a very good joke.
[Musical stinger as we transition to later. Samuel is upset in his room, so Cam goes to Ally’s room to figure out how to make Samuel feel better.]
Cam: This is the worst. I can’t believe Samuel’s mom would ignore him like that.
Ally: Yeah…
Cam: It’s been hours and he’s so sad.
Ally: Yeah, sad. Sad.
Cam: Yeah. We gotta do something to cheer him up.
Ally: Yeah... we’ll…. we’ll...
[Ally smashes refresh a bunch more times.]
Ally: Come on! Now the QuikShip website says “I dunno??” with two question marks. Not one. Not one! But two. One was believable. Two? Not so much. Who would take the time to even code this? Who?!
Cam: Ally, this is serious.
Ally: I know! I am being serious! I need the chance to have the pillow here if I want to show David Boreanaz because it’s entirely possible he’s going to come to our apartment, oh my god, it’s entirely possible he’s going to come to our apartment! And my room isn’t even clean. Where’s the vacuum? Where are my good clothes? Should I put a suit on? No, that’s too much. A dress? A dress. I should-- Heels? Makeup? I should probably put makeup on. Holy cow, what if he falls in love with me? What if he falls in love with me and then we have babies?
[Ally’s panic fades out as a musical stinger plays. We transition over to Samuel’s room, where he is sighing loudly and continuously. Cam enters.]
Cam (consoling): Hey, F. Sam Fitzclemens. What if that was your name? That’d be weird, right?
[Samuel groans loudly.]
Cam: Right, agreed. Listen, I know you’re going through it right now, and there’s a lot going on. But you just… you gotta be straight with your mom. If you want her to show up now and stop palling around with a reliable television star, you can tell her!
Samuel: ...he’s not that reliable.
Cam: He did get her from Point A to Point B.
Samuel: I don’t know. I don’t think I can push it right now.
Cam: What do you mean?
Samuel: I used to live a ten-minute drive from home, and that’s if you were obeying the speed limit, which no one did. Once I told her Survivor was about to start at 7:54 and she got there before Jeff Probst said, “Last time on Survivor.” I know she’s...whatever, I know she’s hurt that I moved out here, but I didn’t do it for her, y’know? I did it for me. I guess I wanted her to know I was okay, and to think this was a good idea. Most days, I don’t even know if it was a good idea.
Cam: Hey. She’s just... blinded by the light of an angel. You gotta tell her the reason why she’s here - to see her son and his cool new life and cool new friends and cool new apartment.
Samuel: Yeah but, ugh... Saying it that straightforward will just make her mad and she’ll tell me all the reasons why the city is terrible and why I should go home with her. But I can’t, I can’t. I can’t do that. I need to stay here. I have a reason, so…
Cam: Hm. And now that you’ve told me that you’re hesitant to say it, you know I’m gonna make you say it. Why are you here?
[The pair sit in silence for a beat.]
Cam: You want to be a writer, right?
[Samuel grumbles.]
Cam: Right?
Samuel: I… Yeah. I want to be a TV writer...
Cam: What was that?
Samuel (slightly louder): I want to be a TV writer.
Cam: I don’t know if I believe you. If this were a clap your hands if you believe in fairies scenario, Tinkerbell would be dead.
Samuel (snapping): I want to write for TV! Okay, Cam?!
[Samuel sighs loudly.]
Samuel: It sounds frivolous when I say it out loud. The reason I moved was to try to get a job in TV. It’s something I’ve wanted to do it my entire life and on my 28th birthday, right as I blew out the candles, I said, “I’m moving.” It was a... peculiar way to end the happy birthday song, I admit, but it’s the truth.
Cam: Okay! Great! Tell her that! Tell her all that and she’ll come a-running.
Samuel: I can absolutely not do that. No way in the past, present, future, or in the multiverses that crosses into ours will I tell my mom all that.
Cam: You can do it. And trust me, I know moms. I have one who loves me, and all my mom’s friends love me, and all my friends’ moms love me. I once went on a mother/daughter spa day with Ally’s mom when she came to town. Well, the reason I went was that Ally lost her phone, wallet, ID, keys, and family heirloom necklace the night before and was spending all day recovering them, so I went in her place. But I’d like to think the real reason was that her mom loved me more.
Samuel: How did she lose all those things?
Cam: Another story for another day. Now, you gotta call Ms. Worchester and tell her what for. Or you aren’t Samuel Roger and Ebert Clemens.
Samuel: Ugh… Okay! Yep. Yeah, you’re right, okay. Okay, I will! I will. Thanks, Cameron the Great.
Cam: That was an easy one. But it made me very happy.
Samuel: Hey, I’m glad.
[Samuel dials and takes a deep breath. The sounds of a crowd pour out of the phone, punctuated by the slap of fish and customers bartering with gruff shopkeepers.]
Mom (on speakerphone): Samuel Clemens, hello! How’s it going?
Samuel: Fine, everything here is fine. We’re just waiting for you. Where are you?
Mom (on speakerphone): Honey, you won’t believe it if I told you! We’re at a farmer’s market! Who knew they had farmer’s markets here in this city! I didn’t know they had farmers here, that is so cool! Anyway, so the train was delayed, so David said “let’s hop off”, so we hopped off, we headed some blocks in some direction and he pointed us to this bustling farmer’s market. Guess what. They have durian! You know, durian, that nasty fruit that I’ve only seen on the Food Network? Well, it’s here! Yes!
Samuel: Yeah I mean, that’s really great, Mom, but I’d really love it if you came to the apartment. I want to show you how we put it together and how it all looks and I just think that--
Mom (on speakerphone): Hey David! David! Did you see the durian? I know right?
Samuel: Mom, please! I need to tell you something, and I need you to hear me. So just...Please.
Mom (on speakerphone): Okay, Samuel, I hear you. Just hold your horses a minute.
[It gets much quieter on her side as Mom finds a less busy part of the market.]
Mom (on speakerphone): Okay. I’m here. And I’m a-listening.
Samuel: I want you to come to the apartment. My apartment. I spent a lot of time putting it together and getting my life in order here, and I really want to show you that. But you’re off doing...I dunno, fun things with a moderately-famous television actor and I’m waiting around for you.
Mom (on speakerphone): Who’s a moderately-famous television actor?
Samuel: Mom, I miss you. And we were supposed to spend this time together, and you’re not here and I feel kinda dumb for wanting all those things. I know I was the one who moved away and it made you all kinds of sad, so I wanted to make it up to you.
Mom (on speakerphone): Honey... Of course I’m sad that you left, but you can make your own choices. You had to go because you had to go. I don’t know for what, but you know, you had that look in your eye that I knew meant that you were determined, and who’s gonna stop that? So whatever you’re doing here in this big city, I know that you’re doing the right thing. Cause you are my Samuel Clemons and you know better.
[Samuel chuckles to himself.]
Mom (on speakerphone): I named you Samuel Clemens, but your name can be whatever you want out here, baby.
Samuel: Thanks, Mom. I am gonna keep Samuel Clemens, though. It’s a really good icebreaker.
Mom (on speakerphone): Well, duh. Of course it is. I named you! Ha! That being said, I don’t think David knows where he’s going. So, how do I get to you from this amazing farmer’s market?
Samuel: Ah hah! I knew David Boreanaz wasn’t perfect. That I can tell you!
Mom (on speakerphone): No, he pretty much is.
[Fade out to the living room of the apartment. The doorbell rings, and Ally opens the door to find the Quikship Employee breathing heavy and carrying a massive box.]
Ally: Ah, Quikship Lady. You’ve returned. Smart move. I would have tracked you down anywhere.
Quikship Employee: Yeah, man. You’re scary. But also, like, hot. In a terrifying way. Here’s your box.
Ally: Thanks.
Quikship Employee: Also, do you want to date?
Ally: No. Never. Get better customer service.
[Ally slams the door in their face. A beat, then she cracks open the door.]
Ally: Also, I don’t actually live here. I’m actually not Ally. I’m her sister. Cally. And I live in Iowa. Don’t look for me.
[Ally slams the door in their face again. Ally rips open the box and takes out the pillow. Ally squeals and begins to cry joyous tears.]
Ally: It’s perfect.
Cam: And extremely life-like. I can see every pore.
Ally: That’s why it’s so perfect. Even David’s flaws are here.
Ally (realization dawning): Oh no, this is weird. Oh my god. Oh my god! I can’t have this out if he shows up. That would make me look like a weirdo.
Cam: I’m happy you came to this conclusion so I didn’t have to make it for you.
Ally: Oh god, I have to hide it. I have to hide it. But where...
[Ally scampers around the apartment looking for a hiding spot.]
Ally: But where! Over here? No, in the suit? Absolutely not. It wouldn’t fit. In the fridge? Yes! Too cold, he doesn’t deserve that. In the oven! But what if somebody turns it on? No, where? Where? Oh my god, help me Cam, where?!
Cam: What about your room and you close the door?
Ally: Oh my god, Cam, you’re genius! Perfect.
[Ally runs to her room, tosses the pillow in there, and slams the door. The doorbell rings and Samuel nervously walks towards it. He stops for a second, taking a deep breath and composing himself.]
Cam: Hey, Samuel?
Samuel: Yes?
Cam: It would be funny if your name was Socrates Worcester.
[Samuel chuckles.]
Samuel: Oh, um. Cam? I have to get the door.
Cam: Oh. Yeah, go ahead.
[Samuel opens the door, and his Mom is standing there, holding a durian fruit.]
Samuel: Mom!
Mom: Samuel Clemens! I brought you one of those nasty fruits.
Samuel: Oh. ...Thanks?
Mom: You are welcome. It was the least I could do since I was a little tardy. Oh, and these.
[Mom hands Samuel a bag of M&M’s.]
Mom: Look!
Samuel: M&Ms…?
Mom: Yeah!
Samuel: Oh! With my face on them!
[Samuel’s Mom yells with excitement. They cheer together.]
Mom: One of the many benefits of having my phone background be a photo of your cutie-patootie little face.
Samuel: Awww...Thanks, Mom.
Mom: Awww, hug your mom!
[They hug.]
Samuel: Mom, I want you to meet my roommates. This is Cameron, he works at a cool website that I do not understand and is very funny.
Mom: Oh!
Cam: That is a perfect summary. Hi, Ms. Worcester.
Mom: Aw! You know my last name! Mmm. Very smart of you. Honey, I like him.
Cam: Mmmm, still got it.
Samuel: And this is Ally.
Ally (bursting): Don’t go in my room! Oh, hey Mrs. Worchester.
Mom: ...Oh, okay, sure hon-- Is she okay? What’s wrong with her?
Samuel: She gets like this sometimes.
Ally: Where… where’s David?
Mom: Oh, that guy? Yeah, I told him I had to go see my son, and well, he understood cause he has kids. He’s really a sweet, sweet man, you’d love him if you met him in real life. And he’s also very handsome.
Ally (yelling): Oh my god, I would love him! Oh my god, we’re going to meet? Where are we going? Oh my god, what does he smell like? Did you smell him? What does he smell like…?
Mom: Oh I’ll have to hook you up, I guess.
[Ally starts laughing maniacally, on the verge of tears.]
Ally: That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Cam: Okay, Ally. Let’s take a moment and look at the vacuum and not say anything! C’mon.
Ally: Okay, coming.
[Ally and Cam walk away so Samuel and his Mom can have a moment alone.]
Samuel (gestures to the apartment): So, Mom. This is it. What do you think?
Mom (looking around): Mmm. I love it, honey. It just… It feels like a home.
[Samuel chuckles contentedly.]
Mom: But it’s small for how much I’m sure you pay.
Samuel: Oh yeah, I could own two houses in Whip’s End with three months of rent. I cannot believe it.
[NEXT STOP outro plays]
NEXT STOP is a Multitude Production created by Eric Silver. You can find our full cast list, credits, and transcripts at NextStopShow.com