3. Streaming and Screaming
/Grumbling to himself on the train, Cam tears into the videos of streaming giant Bradisgoodatsoccer… and Bradisgoodatsoccer is there to hear him with open ears. Back at home, Samuel Clemens is adjusting to his life living with his new roommates, including respecting Ally’s nocturnal bartending sleep schedule.
About
NEXT STOP is a Multitude production written and created by Eric Silver. You can read more about the show, including our full cast list and episode transcripts, at http://nextstopshow.com. We’re on Twitter and Instagram @NextStopShow. Join our Patreon (http://patreon.com/nextstopshow) to gain access to behind-the-scenes content, additional scenes, bloopers, and the opportunity to have your name included in the credits of Episode 10. Learn more about Multitude at http://multitude.productions
Credits
Written and Created by Eric Silver
Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Brandon Grugle
Executive Produced by Amanda McLoughlin
Assistant Directed, Casting, and Additional Editing by Julia Schifini
Starring
Yemie Sonuga (she/her/hers) as Ally Lonergan
Nick Fondulis (he/his/him) as Cameron Chabon
Ian Henry Walls (he/his/him) as Samuel Clemens
With
Amir Royale (he/him/his) as Bradisgoodatsoccer/Isaac
Samantha Cooper (she/her/hers) as Service Person
Josh Rubino (he/him/his) as PCH Host
Production
Music by Evan Cunningham
Additional Scoring by Brandon Grugle
Art by Allyson Wakeman
Script Consulting by Octavia Bray
Production Consulting by Lauren Shippen
Engineered by Cara Ehlenfeldt
This podcast was recorded under the SAG-AFTRA Collective Bargaining Agreement using a cash advance from Patreon. Read more about the production process, download our free resources for fiction podcasters, and find pronouns and bios for all cast and crew at http://nextstopshow.com
Transcript
[NEXT STOP theme plays]
[Music fades out into Cam getting ready for work. He puts on a YouTube video on his phone as he gets ready for work. As video plays, Cam is banging around some plates, and getting his coat and bag.]
BradIsGoodAtSoccer (video on phone): Sup, nerds and nerdettes? This is BradIsGoodAtSoccer with your daily viral update, the Booster Shot. Here’s a tip for all you aspiring influencers out there: try writing stuff down before you record it. That way, it’ll be WAY better.
Alright y’all, that was your daily viral update, brought to you by Internet Construction, Inc., build a better website, brick by brick. And, if anyone is in the Bangor, Maine area, I’ll be at the Bangor Pavillion in two weeks talking about videos and other stuff. Please bring your silver sharpies, because I always forget to bring mine, ha ha. Okay! Tickets are going fast, maybe they’re already sold out, I don’t know, but see ya!
Cam: Okay, this is a daily video, how do you not know if they’re sold out?! Just look it up!
[Ally trudges in]
Ally: Ugh, too loud and business-y. It’s too early. Shut it.
Cam: Ah, sorry, I gotta put my headphones on in the morning. Brad just makes me so angry.
Ally: Who’s Brad?
Cam: BradIsGoodAtSoccer. He’s this streamer, he doesn’t know how to do anything, but he makes $20,000 a month in ad sales. For saying nonsense. I can’t stand Brad.
Ally: Who?
Cam: BradIsGoodAtSoccer!
Ally: He needs a better name.
Cam: I know. I hate it. And he carries a hockey stick.
Ally: Then why are you watching it?
Cam: I gotta get a better job.
Ally: Hey, working at AverageBear is the second coolest job I can think of. And...And you’re important, dude! You made sure there were no commas out of place in the viral post “90 Ways 90s Kids Will Take Over The World and Eat The Rich.”
Cam: Yeah, but I still haven’t gotten a chance to edit profiles, or even write anything. They said I would eventually, but that was two years ago.
Ally: First of all, you are smarter than the average bear.
Cam: Good one. Y’know, it’s just on the website and the branding and everything.
Ally: Second of all, you are smarter than the average streamer. What do these videos even do for you?
Cam: They’re motivational fuel. Y’know, like I’m a Fast and Furious car, powered entirely by hate. And Brad is my NOS.
Ally: And like most Fast and Furious cars, you will drive into a building and explode.
Cam: But it’s glorious when they do.
Ally: Just go to work, dude.
[Samuel comes out of his room]
Samuel: Good morning, new friends and roommates! I am Samuel Clemens, your friend and roommate.
Ally: Samuel, you live here. You know that, right?
Cam: Samuel...Who would forget a name like Samuel Clemens?
Samuel: Many. A few partners of mine, teachers, doctors, the IRS, my dad, etc. etc. Anyway, I felt like going out for donuts. I made friends with Maria, the local baker, and she makes the most dynamite Boston creams. Oh! Anyone want one?
Cam: Oh! Yes, please. I’d love the one that looks like a bear’s claw and when I hold two up I look like a bear. What are they called, like paws or bear hands? That can’t be it.
Samuel: I don’t know, I can’t...Bear claws! Bear claws!
Cam: Bear claws! Smart. Yes!
Samuel: Yes! Ho oh!
Cam: Exactly what I was thinking.
[Cam growls like a bear]
Ally: I take it back...
Cam: I’ll eat those when I get home.
Ally: You are not smarter than the average bear.
Cam: Aww…
Samuel: Ally, do you want some morning fried round batter and sugar?
Ally: No. I’m just going to sleep until at least 1 PM. Then, sustenance.
Samuel: Okay… Well... I’m going to get you a sprinkled one anyway because you’re my roommate, and a blueberry one because I appreciate you for getting me into this apartment.
Ally: Okay, fine. If I’m asleep, just stuff it directly into my open, snoring mouth.
Samuel: Sure thing. Bakers, away!
[Samuel runs out.]
Cam: I hope he says that no matter where he’s going. Okay, I’m off. I’m a ferocious bear, I will devour the Internet people. Like BradIsGoodAtSoccer, he will be my first victim, nom, nom, nom.
Ally: Just stop watching the videos.
Cam: I cannot, I am a bear with no self-control. Bye!
[Cam leaves]
[Musical stinger as we transition to SCENE 2. The subway door chimes as Cam gets on for his morning commute]
Cam: Stupid bears, stupid streamers. I shouldn't listen, it just makes me mad. ...But maybe just one more. Yeah, one more is fine. It’s the NOS to get me through. One YouTube video never hurt anybody.
[Cam slips his headphones on and taps over to another YouTube video]
Brad (video on phone): Sup, nerds and nerdettes? This is BradIsGoodAtSoccer with your daily viral update, the Booster Shot. Now, everyone is trying to go viral, or vamos viral in Español. Honestly, I can tell you, as someone who is famous on the Internet, the trick is to make good stuff. If you make good stuff, ya get famous. That’s how it works! The universe is like, wild like that, dude!
Alright, that was your daily viral update, the Booster Shot, brought to you by Milkman Sheets. Milkman Sheets, we drop sheets off at your house and don’t do any of the other things associated with milkmen. And hey, if anyone is in the Bangor, Maine area, they opened up more tickets for my meet and greet at the Bangor Pavilion. There will be at least ten, but no more than thirty tickets left when you watch this video. So, who knows. See ya!
[Cam closes his phone]
Cam: Ugh. Okay. Not your best work, Brad.
Brad: Man, I’m trying. But it’s hard.
Cam (composing himself): Sorry, what?
Brad: Making videos. It’s hard. I just have no idea what I’m doing a lot of the time. I’m just a guy who likes video games and SportsCenter, dude.
Cam: I must have missed it when I had my headphones on. Who...who are you?
Brad: Oh, hey! Uh, yeah. I’m the guy in the video.
Cam: ….yeah.
Brad: BradIsGoodAtSoccer? Well, my name is Isaac, so whatever you wanna call me. Wait, actually Brad is faster than Isaac. Yeah, call me Brad. Yeah, that’s fine. What’s your name?
Cam: Uh... Peter?
Brad: Pete! Wow, Pete, that’s a great name. Great to meet you, man. Yeah man, making videos is like, super hard, though. What do you think I should do to make better ones?
Cam: Uh, you’re asking me? I mean, you’re the one with the subscribers and the money and stuff.
Brad: Well yeah, but I mean, I bet you have some really constructive criticism. And I gotta listen to the people who watch the content I create, you know. So yeah! Hit me, man. What do you think I should do?
Cam: Uh, I don’t know, hah, I mean, you could make longer videos? Like...Y’know like explain what exactly you’re saying. I mean, none of the actual meat of what you’re saying is more than a minute. So you got time to spare.
Brad: Wow. Mm, yeah. Go farther in, deep dive… Yeah, I like that. Someone told me that a video like this should be like, a nugget of video, y’know? Flanked by an equal amount of ads and plugs and theme songs. I don’t know who told me that, but it’s kinda been my whole ethos making my “One Video a Day”s.
Cam: Ha, ha, right.
Brad: Hey man, I really appreciate that.
Cam: Hey uh, no problem dude. I gotchu. Welp, uh, gotta get back to my headphones. Y’know, it’s not your videos anymore, it’s just, uh mashup videos from the mid-2000s.
Brad: Those are fire!
Cam: It’s like a salad, I gotta have all my main ingredients.
Brad: Definitely. Oh man. Well, listen. I really value your feedback. Y’know, it’s cause you’re straight with me. Which most people aren’t, y’know? Actually, there’s this speaker thing I’m heading to. It’s free food, it’s got lots of networking connects. You should come! It’ll help your career. I mean, you gotta be a content creator if you’re watching my stuff, y’know? So, come on, seriously dude.
Cam: Seriously?
Brad: Yeah!
Cam: Uh… Hmph. Like, mozz sticks free food or seafood free food?
Brad: Bro. I don’t speak anywhere that doesn’t have cocktail sauce, okay?
Cam: Nice. Y’know, I’ll have to tell work I’m sick or something... You know, yeah, I will. Thanks, dude.
Brad: No problemo, capitano. Let’s do it man, let’s do it!
Cam: Let’s do it!
[Cam grunts excitedly while Brad cheers him on. Cam takes out his phone to text Ally]
Cam: Okay, uh...
Cam (texting): Hey Ally, can you call my boss and tell him I’m sick? Use your grandma voice this time. I think the last three were your voice, my mom, and then a gruff but lovable family friend.
Ally (texting): Ugh, fine. But I’m putting this on the list. And don’t text me after this. Should I do the one who uses casual Yiddish or the one who thinks that every sneeze is the arrival of the Grim Reaper herself?
Cam (texting): That describes both of them. You’re fine.
[Musical stinger. We transition to SCENE 3. We cut to Ally, back at the apartment, lying in bed. She inhales and exhales deeply.]
Ally: Okay… I got this.
[Ally begins doing vocal warmups.]
Ally (warming up her voice, singing): Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do!
Ally (in a bad Jewish grandma voice): Hello! Hello. Hello, it’s Cameron’s bubbe!
Ally (back to her regular voice): Hehehe. Nailed it.
[Ally dials her phone, the phone rings and someone picks up]
Ally (in a bad Jewish grandma voice): Hello? Medium-sized bear dot com offices? This is Cam’s bubbe speaking. He is extremely under the weather, it must be cholera, and he can’t come in. He is just burning up and I’m very worried about my boychiki. Yes, yes... thank you. I’ll tell him. Goodbye.
[Ally hangs up, bunches up her covers, and sighs.]
Ally: Not my best work, but...Whatever. It’ll do.
[Samuel knocks on Ally’s bedroom door. Ally groans.]
Samuel (through door): Ally? [Ally grunts]
Samuel: Is that Cameron’s grandma in there? I’m sorry, I didn’t bring enough cookies or donuts for both of you. And I wasn’t quite sure if I was supposed to actually literally shove them into your mouth, so I just decided I should knock.
[Ally growls, gets up, and opens the door for Samuel.]
Ally: No, not really. But thank you.
Samuel: You’re welcome.
Ally: Okay, yeah, bye.
[Ally closes the door, yawns and goes to lay back down in her bed. A beat. Samuel knocks again.]
Ally (yawning): Yes...?
Samuel (through door): I got coffee too. Do you want some now?
Ally: No.
[A beat. Samuel knocks again. Ally stomps over to the door and swings it open, hard.]
Ally: What, Samuel?! Yes?!
Samuel: ...I brought a napkin.
Ally: ...Thank you. You’re very thoughtful.
Samuel: You’re welcome.
Ally: Shut the door. Shut it. Get out. Go.
Samuel: Gonna shut the door, shutting...Closing the door now.
Ally: Leave. Do it!
Samuel: Yup. Goodbye.
[Samuel shuts the door. Ally slides back into bed. A beat, then…]
Ally: Damn it, now I need to pee! But I won't. Hehehe. For the principle.
[Musical stinger as we transition to SCENE 4. Cam is standing at the snack bar of a crowded hall as people are filling in the room. It is packed. Cam is eating as much shrimp as he can stuff into his face.]
Cam (mouth full of food): The key to any free buffet is homing in on the most expensive item. Whether it’s steak or foie gras on toast or seafood, you gotta load up on that. That’s why I have an entire plate full of little skrimps. Skrimps is what I call shrimps. See, seafood is a food that I wish I could just load up on, which is also why I have to load up on that. I know it’s all propped up by a capitalist machine, feeding the moneyed obsession with new gadgets and optimization, so I gotta get mine, you know. And I gotta get yours, and his, and hers, and...Oh, wings too, those you gotta get in large quantities. Do you have any wings?
Waiter: Uh, sir, you don’t have to justify eating the food. I’m gonna… I’m gonna walk away now. And also skrimps? Not a thing.
[The Waiter makes themself busy and begins to walk away.]
Cam (shouting after them): Fine! Fine, but you won’t find anyone with as scintillating conversation about the economics of snack bars as me! And the mind is a powerful thing, so if I say skrimps are a thing, they’re a thing! In my mind… Man, I had a thesis and everything.
[Brad pops in from the back room.]
Brad: Pete! What up, my critic, my colleague, my confidant? Oh, I see that you’re going in on the seafood there! That's an optimized choice, man. I appreciate that.
Cam: Ah, yeah! Thanks for getting me in.
Brad: Hey, it’s the least I can do for a fan and a critical thinker. I’m sorry I couldn’t get you in the back - I mean it’s already full with my manager, and my assistant, and my accountant, and my posse, my posse’s posse, and, y’know, my posse’s partners, my partner, my partner’s posse, my mom, my second cousin, my valet... But! Y’know I did sneak you an airplane-sized bottle of the good stuff.
[Brad slides Cam a small bottle of alcohol across the table]
Brad: You’re welcome.
Cam (faking graciousness): Oh, wow, hey, you shouldn’t have. What... what is this?
Brad: Oh, this is Dragonberry vodka, my man. It’s my favorite. I always get it in my rider.
Cam: Yeah, uh, me too, so uh… cool, yeah.
Brad: Well, I gotta get up there. What do you think I should talk about?
Cam: You...you don’t know what you’re going to say?
Brad: I have a rough idea, yeah.
Cam: Uh… well. The title of your talk is “3 Specific Things I Did to Get Super Famous and Successful on the Internet.”
Brad: Wow. Who said that?
Cam: The Powerpoint on the screen?
Brad: What?
[Cam grabs a fistful of paper fliers.]
Cam: And these fliers. These fliers right here. And the banner above the stage.
Brad: Dude…
Cam: The poster out front.
Brad: Oh my gosh, really?
Cam: Yeah. Actually, there’s a hallway of smart speakers that are just repeating it over and over as people walk by.
Brad: Yo! That’s crazy observations, my guy. Wow! I really appreciate that. Listen, you know what? I’m gonna wing it. I’ll see you up there though.
Cam: Okay, yeah.
Brad: Hey, hey! You’re gonna live forever. Hey, hey!
Cam: You wing it, but just be careful…
Brad: Ey, no, no!
Cam: There’s no wings here…
Brad: Do they have shrimps?
Cam: They have… They’ve got skrimps!
Brad: Oh yeah!
Cam: Alright, I’ll be here...With the skrimp.
[Brad jogs off toward the stage. Cam eats more shrimp.]
Cam (mouth full): Oh my god, he might be the dumbest person on this planet and the next planet and maybe the planets outside the asteroid belt. And even those other planets where there’s no life at all. He’s the dumbest person on those planets too. How am I here by myself?
Waiter: Why are you still here?
Cam: Oh hey! I thought you left.
Waiter: Uh, no. I work here.
Cam: Wanna chat?
Waiter: Not really.
Cam: Okay. If I say something though, will you let me bounce it off you? So like, how can this guy be so successful? Can you even believe it?
Waiter: No. No, I can’t.
Cam: See, we’re conversating here. This is great.
Waiter: I can’t leave.
Cam:...I can’t believe that people treat you this way. Cause I feel for you, even though we just met, I feel a connection… [reading her name tag] Mathilda?
Waiter: You had me until that. It’s Mathilda. The H is silent. We’re not friends just because you read my nametag. That’s not a thing.
Cam: Oh.
Waiter: So I’m just...gonna go.
[The Waiter walks away.]
Cam: You came back! So that’s why I thought maybe there was… I’m sorry, Mathilda! We--
Waiter (offscreen): Mathilda!
Cam: Mathilda, I promise! I promise! I will never pronounce another H if you come back with some more skrimps! And if there’s any wings back there, because we weren’t friends earlier you were lying, and there are plenty of wings... (beat) Okay, this calls for emergency maneuvers. I’m calling Ally.
[Cam dials Ally. The phone rings]
Cam: Ally, c’mon I know you’re asleep but hopefully you’re not.
[Whoosh as we cut to Ally, asleep and snoring. Her phone rings the Marimba ringtone from Apple. She grumbles in her sleep, turns over, and starts snoring again.]
[Whoosh as we cut back to Cam, on the receiving end of Ally’s voicemail]
Ally (voicemail greeting): Hey, it's Ally. Welcome to the 21st century where voicemails don’t exist. So be a real human and text me! See ya! Longeran, out.
Voicemail: At the tone, please record your message. When you’ve finished recording you may hang up, or press one for more options.
[The voicemail beeps.]
Cam: Ally. It’s Cam. Please pick up. You can’t pick up… But, okay. Everyone is terrible around me and the free skrimp wasn’t worth it and I’m going to have to listen to an idiot talk about how rich and famous he is. And he doesn’t even have notes! He doesn’t know what he’s gonna talk about, okay? So, I need backup, if you don’t come and keep me company at this event I will take the microphone during the Q&A and I will endanger my proximity to all this said free shrimp. Pick up… pick up. Call me back. It’s Cam. But you knew that.
[Applause as Brad takes the stage.]
Brad: Sup, nerds and nerdettes? This is BradIsGoodAtSoccer with your daily viral update. It’s more than a Booster Shot, it’s the full check up. I’m not going to be in Bangor, Maine! Y’all wanna know why? Because any time soon? Imma still be here!
[Brad blasts a real rap airhorn with him onstage. There is more applause from the audience.]
Cam: Oh my god, what have I done? What has my hubris wrought for me?
[Cam eats another shrimp.]
Cam (mouth full): I gonna need cocktail sauce. Like, a gallon.
[Musical stinger as we transition to SCENE 5. Ally is still asleep in the apartment, her phone still ringing. She rolls over, but does not wake up. She is talking in her sleep.]
Ally (dreaming): Oh no, Mr. Tumnus, it’s fine. We do belong together. Oh god, I promise. I never felt this way about anyone before...
[Samuel knocks quietly on Ally’s door. Then, patiently louder. Ally’s phone continues ringing.]
Samuel (through door): Ally? Allllly.
[Ally wakes up from the knocking]
Ally: SAMUEL!
Samuel (through door): Ally!
[Ally gets out of bed and stomps to the door. She opens the door a sliver.]
Ally: Samuel, what? What do you want?!
Samuel: Oh, your phone was ringing. So I just figured you’d want to pick it up.
Ally: ...What? What?
Samuel: Well, Ally! You know in this day and age with technology like it is, if somebody really calls you, like on the phone, it’s probably super important. Like, a big deal! It could be your chiropractor or your accountant or your mother or your cousin or--
Ally: I’m gonna need you to stop all of this right now. Samuel Clemens. I don’t know if I made this clear to you before, so let me do that right now. I really, really don’t want to be woken up. Ever. I had somebody barf on my shirt at 2:30 this morning. Do you know what that’s like? Hm, Sammy? Do you know? Do you know? Yeah. Of course not! Of course you don’t know what that’s like! That happened today. I had to do math at 4 this morning because we have to count out how much we make at the end of every shift, which is hard because there was, y’know, barf on my shirt. It was all over me. Can you smell me? Cause I can smell me. So, what? What? What is it you want? Huh? I was having a great time with Mr. Tumnus, eating Nutella sandwiches. Are you gonna say something better than that? I don’t think so! So, what?!
Samuel: But… but what if it’s your chiropractor?
Ally: Repeat after me.
Samuel: Repeat after me.
Ally: I, Samuel Clemons, won’t wake Ally up.
Samuel: I, Samuel Clemons, won’t wake Ally up.
Ally: Ever again.
Samuel: Ever again?
Ally: Ever again!
Samuel: Ever again.
Ally: Even if.
Samuel: Even if.
Ally: It’s for a good reason.
Samuel: It’s for a good reason.
Ally: Good.
Samuel:...But again, on that chiropractor note, what if it’s like, a really really--
Ally (losing it): Oh my god! Even if it’s for a good reason!
Samuel: Yeah okay, so even if it’s for a very very good reason. I got it, yeah, yup.
Ally: Okay, good. Okay. Now. I will be going back to bed. If Wheel of Fortune isn’t coming on, then I do not want to be conscious.
Samuel: Right. Wheel of Fortune. Have a good rest. Sweet dreams. So sorry.
[Ally slowly closes the door. She gets back in bed.]
Samuel (to himself): Hm. Okay. Wheel of Fortune comes on at 7 PM in Michigan. Wait. What if it’s a different time slot out here? Oh, I better ask her...Wait, no, I shan’t! I just took an oath. No waking up.
[Musical stinger as we cut to SCENE 6. Brad is just wrapping up his speech at the conference.]
Brad (on stage mic): And I think… I think, when I really think about it... When I go deep into my soul and I let it flow out… I really think that that’s what makes me the most special of all - how I went from streaming to video on demand and did pretty much the same exact thing. At first, you know, I was worried, but everyone was incredibly positive about my change and they had no criticism at all. Wow, man. What a world, right? What a world!
Cam (screaming from the audience): UUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHH, WHHHYYYYYYYYY!
Brad: Alright, well we have some time left guys, so I figured I’d open up the floor to some questions. We have someone running around with a microphone, so just raise your hand we’ll make sure it gets to you.
Cam: Oh, no.
Brad: Once we turn the lights on, we’ll get the questions going.
Cam: No, no. I can’t. I can’t. That would be so bad. I can’t. Oh, oh no.
Brad: Anybody? Anyone?
[Silence as people clink glasses and munch on snacks. Cam groans in the effort to restrain himself]
Cam: Oh, Jesus Q. Christ, nope. I will not. Nope. Keep your ideas to yourself. Internalize it. No. No, thanks. Nope. No. Nope.
Brad: Okay. Come on! Come on, someone has to have a question or burning comment that they wanna share. I mean, we can have a really great debate about it. But, I warn you, I am the smart one here. Huh? Huh?
Cam: Oh tech Jesus, please forgive me.
[Cam scoots his chair back and stands.]
Cam (loudly from the audience): Yeah, I have a question!
[The PA holding the mic runs from the front of the room to the back where Cam is standing. There’s feedback as he takes it.]
Brad: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Pete! Pete! Oh, guys! This is my new friend, Pete. I met Pete on the train today, and you know what? He hit me with some really thoughtful, great criticism. And I really appreciated it. Actually, that’s why he’s here today, as my guest and my friend. Guys! Give it up for Pete. Right? Give it up for Pete. Give it up for this guy right here! Thank you so much.
[Brad applauds enthusiastically. The audience politely applauds.]
Brad: Pete, this is gonna be great, man. What is your question?
[There’s more feedback from the mic.]
Cam (too close to the mic): Yeah, uh, hi.
Brad: Ow. Yeah, I uh...I can’t hear his question, can we turn up the mic just to make sure we all hear it? Thank-- great man, thank you.
Cam: Ah, yeah, hi, um, Brad. Whew, okay. Um... do you actually know what you’re doing?
Brad: Uh...What? What was that? Um...
Cam: Well, uh... ‘Cause it seems like you don’t. Like, all your videos are like 30 seconds long, you don’t give any actual advice, and this presentation was all over the place. You even told me right before going on stage that you didn’t know what you were doing. And, you know what? It’s okay not to know. We all don’t know lots of stuff. But pretending as if you do and making tons of money off of that, that’s pretty bad. And teaching people your wrong ideas is bad too. So, my question is, what do you really know how to do?
[The quiet of “is this actually happening?”. Then, the audience boos and jeers at Cam.]
Brad (over the boos): Wow… Um. Pete... I thought you were my friend, man. I guess not. Security!
[The crowd continues to boo over the action. Two security guards amble over and grab Cam. Brad continues screaming into the microphone at Cam. Cam tries to fight off the security guards.]
Brad: Get him! Get him! No, no! Do not-- Get him! Get him!
Cam (tussling with security): No, no!
Brad: He’s jumping over to the shrimps! Don’t let him! Get him!
Cam: We are not friends! We are not friends! Okay? You saw me yelling at your video on the internet on the train! That’s not friendship.
Brad: Don’t tell me to calm down! Don’t tell me to calm down! Alright, fine! Fine! Fine!
Cam: Okay, hey, guys, listen, his real name isn’t even Brad! His name’s not Brad! When have you even played soccer? You’ve never played soccer! Okay guys, hey guys, listen… We’re adults here. I can walk myself out. It’s fine. Alright? Let me just have a little dignity here. Let me grab some more...
[Cam makes a dash to grab the last shrimp on his plate.]
Brad: NO!
Cam (yelling, tussling): It’s already on my plate, it’s on my plate so it’s basically mine! And I touched them! I touched them. I will call the health inspector! I will call-- I will shut this place down! Get your hands off me! I can get out of here! And my name isn’t even Peter!
Brad: YOU TOLD ME IT WAS-- I HATE YOU!
Cam: Your friend is Peter! This was a false friendship! He wasn’t real, and NEITHER IS BRAD!
[Brad sobs at the betrayal as Cam is pushed out the front door into the busy, midday sidewalk. Traffic bustles on, the distant sound of the train, and the door slams shut.]
Cam: Any place with a free snack bar? Worth it. And BradIsGoodAtSoccer doesn't know, but I’m a great friend. And I have great friends. I don’t need the Internet...
[Cam drops the plate of shrimp onto the ground and grabs his phone to start to text.]
Cam (texting the group chat): Hey, team.
Ally (texting): Ha! You got thrown out of the tech assembly by Brad, didn’t you?
Cam (texting): Yep.
Samuel (texting): Who’s Brad?
Cam (texting): BradIsGoodAtSoccer.
Ally (texting, simultaneously): BradIsGoodAtSoccer, he’s a video guy. Don’t think about it any more, yeah? You used a fake name, right?
Cam (texting): Yep. This ain’t my first rodeo.
Ally (texting): Smart. Angel emoji.
Samuel (texting): I have never been thrown out of an assembly before. A party, sure. A service, who hasn’t? A wake, of course.
Cam (texting): You know, that does make me feel better. Clemens, I definitely need to know all those stories.
Samuel (texting): I will tell you when Allyson gets her full eight hours and then some. Then, I’ll crack open some sparkling cider and get to tall tale telling.
Ally (texting): Awwww, Sammy Sammy Oxenfree! You’re totally defending my sleepy honor. I appreciate that. I’m up now and I feel good. BTW - Check the microwave when you get in. I cleaned out the bakery that you love so much and got you guys all the bear claws left at the end of the day. Bear emoji.
[In the distance, Samuel opens the microwave door open and gasps loudly.]
Samuel (from a distance, mouth full): Thank you! Oh!
Ally (texting): Samuel already has first dibs.
Cam (texting): You guys are so clawsome, I can hardly bear it.
Ally (texting): Don’t come home.
[Musical stinger as we cut to SCENE 7. The apartment is quiet for a bit, then there is a knock on the apartment door. Samuel sneaks out of his room and cracks the door. A Publisher’s Clearing House-type host is standing at the front door with balloons and an oversized check.]
PCH Host: Hello sir, are you the head of the household at this establishment?
Samuel (whispering): In some ways, I would say yes. Totally, definitely, 100%. In most ways, I would say no, I am not.
PCH Host: We’ll take it. Hello sir, we’re here from America’s Sweepstakes, where we change unsuspecting Americans’ lives forever. Any day is a day for change, and we’re ready to change yours.
Samuel (whispering): Oh wow. That sounds really nice and all mister, but my roommate is actually trying to sleep and it would be great if you could just keep your voice down.
PCH Host: Uh huh. Can we come in with our cameras, balloons, oversized novelty check, and general party and celebratory attitude?
Samuel (whispering): No, thank you. Again, as I said, we have a sleeping friend in here. She got off work at 4 AM, and I think someone might have barfed on her shirt. It would really be way too much.
PCH Host (dropping the act): Alright, listen, guy, here’s the deal. We gotta get in here, film you and your friends and family dance around. Maybe we record Grandma doing the Fortnite dance. The usual stuff. And for your trouble, a bunch of dollars. Now, are you gonna let us in or not?
Samuel (whispering): No. But, have a good day. Also, I read multiple articles that said the government takes a lot of this in taxes, which is fine, but no one makes me dance on camera when I go to vote. Have a pleasant day, mister.
PCH Host: Are you freaking kidding me? What--
Samuel (whispering): Okay, good bye, thank you. Thank you so much...
[Samuel quietly, but forcefully closes the door on the protesting PCH HOST. He sighs in relief.]
Samuel: Whew. Sleep well, Ally. May visions of young adult fiction novels dance in your head.
Ally (soft, half-asleep): Hm... I will.
[Ally gasps, rushes out of bed and throws clothes on.]
Ally: Oh my god, HEY! HEY WAIT! I WANT THE MONEY!
[NEXT STOP outro plays]
NEXT STOP is a Multitude Production created by Eric Silver. You can find our full cast list, credits, and transcripts at NextStopShow.com