Teaser: Fixing the Wifi (with Brian David Gilbert)
/Your hold time is estimated at two minutes or less.
About
NEXT STOP is a Multitude production written and created by Eric Silver. You can read more about the show, including our full cast list and episode transcripts, at nextstopshow.com. We’re on Twitter and Instagram @NextStopShow. Join our Patreon to gain access to behind-the-scenes content, additional scenes, bloopers, and early access to Episode 1.
Credits
Written and Created by Eric Silver
Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Brandon Grugle
Executive Produced by Amanda McLoughlin
Assistant Directed, Casting, and Additional Editing by Julia Schifini
Cast (in order of appearance)
Yemie Sonuga as Ally Lonergan
Nick Fondulis as Cameron Chabon
Ian Henry Walls as Samuel Clemens
Brian David Gilbert as Gervin
Production
Music by Evan Cunningham
Additional Scoring by Brandon Grugle
Art by Allyson Wakeman
Script Consulting by Octavia Bray
Production Consulting by Lauren Shippen
Engineered by Cara Ehlenfeldt
This podcast was recorded under the SAG-AFTRA Collective Bargaining Agreement using a cash advance from Patreon. Read more about the production process, download our free resources for fiction podcasters, and find pronouns and bios for all cast and crew at nextstopshow.com
Transcript
[NEXT STOP theme plays]
Ally: Cam, no. Nein. Absolutely not. NO! We are not calling our WiFi that. No!
Cam: Why not? It’s perfect. Our apartment is like a palace, we’re friends, and it’s all cool. Ergo: Cool Friends Palace.
Ally: Sammy Clemens, please, please back me up on this.
Samuel: Okay, devil’s advocate: It is very fun.
Ally: Is it?
Cam: Yes! There we go.
Samuel: Other devil’s advocate, though… Angel’s advocate? Ally’s advocate: It’s pretty silly.
Cam: Yeah, but silly is good. Silly is fun. Silly is like [makes noise like a clown]
Ally: Yeah, but the password... I can’t.
Cam: It’s funny!
Ally: To who? Football69--
Cam: (giggling) You get it? It’s the sex number.
Ally: I’m not looking our friends in the face when they come over and telling them the password to our Internet in our shared living space is football69. Call the WiFi company and get it reset.
Cam: Ah. Samuel…?
Samuel: I mean, I think that maybe we could pick football OR 69? But it’s a lot to add them together.
Cam: I mean football or 69 is great! We’re giving people choices of activities!
Samuel: Cam, Cam! We cannot put football or 69 into our password. My mother is going to be here and she will flip out! I mean she will lose it! I mean she will throw up when she finds out. Then she will get angry, then she’ll throw up again, then she’ll probably cry, then she might throw up a third time. And I don’t know, I can’t handle that, we have to change it!
Cam: Okay, okay, fine, I’ll call! But what if I get a recording? Huh? Hm? I’ll be stuck on the phone for hours. So thank you.
Samuel: Oh, oh no no no no no. Here’s the thing though. They try and trick you with that--
Cam: Yeah!
Samuel: But if you want to talk to a real person, all you have to do is you have to hit 0 immediately, right?
Cam: Oh, okay. Yeah.
Samuel: Then, you wanna wait a minute, hit 0 again. Then, count to ten and hit 0 three more times. Then you wanna hit 5-0-0-1-1-5-6-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2, pound sign! Then hold for 10 more seconds, press 0, then end the call, call them back, immediately press 9-1-1, then you’re gonna wanna hang up on them!
Cam: Oh, okay. I’m not gonna remember that. Also, I don’t think it’s a good idea to hang up on 9-1-1.
Ally: We need to talk, Sammy.
[Phone being dialed, and being handed off]
Ally: That was a lot. And, you’re already calling. And it’s on speaker so we’ll be able to hear everything!
Cam: Oh, okay, okay.
[The phone call connects]
Recording: Hello, and welcome to WiFidelity, where we’re top five in Internet service. For English, press 1.
(in terrible Spanish)
Para Espanol, oprima numero dos.
Cam: And... zero.
Recording: Transferring you to a real person. Okay, that...That was a pretty smart trick, pressing zero immediately. You got me, ha ha. Hi, I’m Gervin, how can I be of assistance?
Cam: Hey Gavin, I wanted to know how I could switch–
Recording: Mmm, gonna stop you there. It’s Gervin.
Cam: Uh, what? What was that?
Recording: The name-- My name is Gervin.
Cam: Irving?
Samuel: Oh, I have an Uncle Irving!
Recording: Mm, no. It’s Gervin? Like the name Mervin, but with a G in the front of it. Now how can I assist you in your path to Internet satisfaction?
Cam: Okay... Gervin.
Recording: That’s my name, don’t wear it out. Or say it like that, cause it’s very patronizing.
Cam: Oh, o-- okay. I don’t wanna patronize... Gervin.
Recording: Mhm. Doing it again.
Cam: Uh, I wanted to reset the name and password of my router and I couldn’t figure out how to do that without calling you...Gervin.
Recording: I get it. Yeah, well, have you, uhhhhh, tried asking it nicely?
Cam: Excuse me?
Recording: Well, you have to ask it nicely. Why, whenever I have an electrical problem, I mind my P’s and Q’s and I get on my “pleases” and “thank yous”. Everyone knows that politeness is next to cleanliness, and friendliness.
Cam: Uh... what the actual--
Samuel: Wait, no no no! Hey, Cameron! Cameron! Cameron! Cameron!
Cam: Yeah?! What?
Samuel: Stop it!
Cam: What? I--
Samuel: You cannot talk that way to a customer service representative like Gervin here. This is a hard line of work. You need to put something in the swear jar. A dollar!
Ally: Two dollars.
Cam: What-- I didn’t even swear!
Ally: Three dollars now.
Samuel: Oh yeah. But you were gonna.
Ally: Is Gervin still on the phone?
Cam: Gervy? You still there?
Recording: (business voice) Mm, oh no. Hello, this is Jeremy Bervin.
[Phone changes hands]
Samuel: Oh, ha ha. Jeremy, hello.
Recording: (business voice) Hi, I’m Gervin’s manager. You must forgive me for that, Gervin was just hired, he doesn’t know the script yet. I take full responsibility for this.
Samuel: Oh, it’s so okay. And we would like to apologize, too, for our rude behavior before. See, we actually just had a problem. See, my friends might have wanted to change our password and some of our information and we were speaking with Gervin, so we just wanted--
[Throat is cleared, then laughter from the Recording]
Recording: I’m sorry, you gotta stop there. I’m kidding. It’s still Gervin. You’re gonna have to remind me, sorry, what was the problem? Why’d you call in the first place?
Cam: Oh, he’s good.
[Samuel stops and thinks for a moment.]
Samuel: Listen here, Gervin. I understand your ruse and I’m incredibly upset. Seething, burning, terrible anger roils inside me. Before you push me too far and, say, I track you down and call upon my decade of krav maga training, I will hand the phone off to someone else. Because if I don’t do that right now, I promise you, Gervin, I will find you. And I will end you.
Cam: Woah, okay.
Ally: Sam, give me the phone.
Samuel: Sure thing, Ally.
Cam: I don’t think there’s a big enough swear jar for that.
Ally: No, that’s therapy dude.
Cam: Yeah.
[Phone changes hands]
Ally: Hi, hey, Gervin. Gervin is it? Did I say that right?
Recording: Mhm, you got it. Yeah, not even patronizing at all.
Ally: Gervin?
Recording: Mhm. There’s a silent S at the end of it. It stands for savings!
Ally: That is so awesome. Oh my god, I can already tell you are so great. So, we need you to help us reset our name and password for our network. But unfortunately we can’t do it ourselves, and we need a super, super, super, super smart, big brained human like you, Gervin. So, please. Please, with all my P’s and Q’s and all the other letters that rhyme with Gervin, please can you help us?
Recording: Oh, yeah. Hell yeah, that’s totally fine. You should have just said that at the beginning. That’s no problem. I took care of it, uhhhh right now. You can check it.
Ally: Wow. You’re so good at this.
[A beat as Ally checks name and password]
Ally: Um, I’m not seeing a change.
Recording: Oh, yeah no, sorry, it takes a second. You’re gonna have to give it a little bit.
Ally: Hmm. Alright.
[A beat, as they wait]
Cam: Nope.
Ally: Yeah, Gervin, hasn’t been reset. Still the same as before.
Recording: Oh, you know what? It just must not have taken. I’ll try that again for you. How about now?
Ally: No.
Recording: Uhhh, how about now?
Ally: No?
Recording: Mmmmm, how about now?
Ally: Nope.
Recording: Now?
Ally: No.
Recording: Are you sure?
Ally: No!
Recording: Could you double check it, I just--
Ally: It’s. Not. Changing.
Recording: Ha, okay. You’re not gonna believe this. I was hitting the wrong button. I should have pressed the right button. Okay, I’ll do that again. How about you can check now?
Ally: Guys, I’m gonna need you to turn around for this.
Cam: Just listen, it’ll be good.
Ally: Listen here Geek Squad, Gervin-- Gervin, if that’s even your real name.
Recording: It is.
Ally: Jeremy-- Mervin. Who cares, Gervin?! Just fix our WiFi! Yeah? Do it! Do it! Why’re you being such a jerk? Why can’t you be a nice person? Why can’t you just change our settings, our network, and our password? It’s not that hard! Gervin, DO IT! Why isn’t it working, Gervin? Why isn’t it working? Reset the button, Gervin! Reset the button--
Recording: I’m sorry, you must have been mistaken. I’m not a real person, only a computer program.
Ally: Oh, Gervin… I will find you. What is your ID? What is your customer ID? I am gonna call the other customer people and find you! I’m not calling you back, Gervin! I will find you, Gervin! I’m going to call Jeremy instead!
Recording: (simultaneously) The decibel level of this conversation seems to be indicating that you’re a bit steamed. Please call back again when you’ve taken a chill pill. Take that as literally or figuratively as you may need to. Uh, Goodbye. Goodbyeeeee.
[Phone call disconnects]
Cam: That went well--
Ally: Don’t.
[Samuel clears his throat]
Ally: I’ve made an executive decision.
Cam: Ooh.
Ally: We’re keeping the WiFi the same. Cool Friends Palace.
[Cam squeals in excitement]
Cam: And..?
Ally: Nothing from you. Shh. Zip it.
Cam: And..? But just the--
Ally: No.
Samuel: But, what is the password?
Cam: Yeah, what would the password be?
Ally: ...football69.
Cam: Fair enough, I’ll take it.
Ally: Okay, we’re done.
[Cam cheers]
Cam: Woo! Football69!
Samuel: Guys--
Ally: Don’t.
Samuel: I just wanted to say--
Ally: Don’t.
Samuel: That was pretty fun.
Cam: Yeah, Samuel! Yes!
Ally: I am going to work. And I HATE WORK.
Cam: Well, when you come home, Football69 will be waiting for you.
Samuel: We’ll post it on the fridge!
Cam: Yeah!
[NEXT STOP outro plays]