8. My Road to El Dorado
/Gillian and Ashley have sent out their wedding invitations and Cam didn’t get one. Instead of asking them if his invite got lost in the mail, he follows Ally into work and drinks. Luckily, it’s the Road to El Dorado bar crawl, so there are plenty of bros dressed up as cartoonish Spaniards to drink with.
About
NEXT STOP is a Multitude production written and created by Eric Silver. You can read more about the show, including our full cast list and episode transcripts, at http://nextstopshow.com. We’re on Twitter and Instagram @NextStopShow. Join our Patreon (http://patreon.com/nextstopshow) to gain access to behind-the-scenes content, additional scenes, bloopers, and the opportunity to have your name included in the credits of Episode 10. Learn more about Multitude at http://multitude.productions
Credits
Written and Created by Eric Silver
Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Brandon Grugle
Executive Produced by Amanda McLoughlin
Assistant Directed, Casting, and Additional Editing by Julia Schifini
Starring
Yemie Sonuga (she/her/hers) as Ally Lonergan
Nick Fondulis (he/his/him) as Cameron Chabon
Ian Henry Walls (he/his/him) as Samuel Clemens
With
Anya Krawcheck (she/her/hers) as Lydia
Zach Valenti (he/him/his) & Zach Libresco (he/him/his) as Lead Bros
Kristen DiMercurio, Cecilia Lynn-Jacobs, Josh Rubino, Brian David Gilbert, Eric Silver, Mike Schubert, Heddy Hunt, and Nara DeMuro as Additional Bros
Jordan Cobb, Samantha Cooper, Jessica Washington, Josh Rubino, Cecilia Lynn-Jacobs, Kristen DiMercurio, Zach Libresco, and Zach Valenti as Commenters
Production
Music by Evan Cunningham
Additional Scoring by Brandon Grugle
Art by Allyson Wakeman
Script Consulting by Octavia Bray
Production Consulting by Lauren Shippen
Engineered by Cara Ehlenfeldt
This podcast was recorded under the SAG-AFTRA Collective Bargaining Agreement using a cash advance from Patreon. Read more about the production process, download our free resources for fiction podcasters, and find pronouns and bios for all cast and crew at http://nextstopshow.com
Transcript
[NEXT STOP theme plays. In their apartment, Cam and Samuel are getting ready for a movie extravaganza. Samuel is making popcorn, and we hear the beep of the microwave as he finishes up in the kitchen.]
Cam: I, Cameron Quetzalcoatl Chabon, commissioner of the couch, proprietor of the television, declare this movie officially ready to be watched!
Samuel: And I, Samuel No Middle Initial Clemens, brought three different types of popcorn!
[Samuel shakes the bag of popcorn.]
Cam: Oh, hell yeah.
Samuel: Oh! I have, oh let’s see...
[Samuel starts tasting the different flavors.]
Samuel: Old Bay flavored...Mm, that’s for spicy. I have some, um… Oh, chocolate and caramel for sweet; and there’s some… oh. Oh! This is the best. Brewer’s yeast for nutritional.
Cam: Yeah, you gotta stay fit.
Samuel: Mm!
[Ally hurries out of her room, carrying her shoes, tripping over everything, and mumbling as she tries to make her way out the door.]
Ally: Oh god I’m late. I’m late! Ugh!
Cam: Ally! You wanna join us on the couch for our feature presentation?
Samuel: We’re watching The Road to El Dorado, an underrated animated classic.
Cam: It’s the 20th anniversary, so no better time to watch.
Samuel: They came for the gold...
Cam (simultaneously): They stayed for the adventure! Jinx. Jinx again. I am the very model of a modern major general. Stop that!
Samuel (simultaneously): They stayed for the adventure! Jinx. Jinx again. I am the very model of a modern major general. Stop that!
Ally: I’d love to, you nerds, but I got called into work. Every other bartender is mysteriously sick or something like that? I don’t know. So I was the only one that can go in. Should be fine, should definitely be fine. I mean, it’s only a Sunday, and we don’t serve brunch drinks because, y’know, our motto is, “We’d rather be bloody than serve a bloody. Yarr.” Um, I don’t know. I gotta go.
Cam: Alright! More hijinks between Kevin Kline and Kenneth Branagh for us.
Ally: Yeah well, if this children’s movie doesn’t hold up to what you remember-
[Cam and Samuel gasp loudly and dramatically.]
Ally: - then come to the bar, I could use the company.
Cam: Will do.
[Ally opens the door, then stops.]
Ally: Hey, when was the last time either of you checked the mailbox?
Cam (simultaneously): Never.
Samuel (simultaneously): We have a mailbox?
Ally: Ugh.
[Ally quickly pops open the mailbox and runs the mail back in.]
Ally: Ooh! We got a fancy letter, with calligraphy and everything! Check it out for me!
[Ally throws the letter at them and runs out the door.]
Cam: Woah, two types of calligraphy? And it just says “open me” on the front? How can you even get the mailman to deliver that properly? This is a Gillian play if I’ve ever seen one.
[Cam opens the letter, then makes airhorn noises.]
Cam: I was right, invitations to Gillian and Ashley’s wedding.
Samuel: Oh! That’s so sweet. I hope I am able to attend as one of your plus ones. I am great at weddings. I know the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby backwards and forwards. “Listen and collaborate! Stop right all!”
Cam: Sure, sure, yup. I’m sure we’ll rip it up. Okay, one for Ally, one for Samuel, not a plus one after all.
Samuel: Yes!
Cam: And... that’s it? Um...
[Cam searches the envelope a second time.]
Cam: That’s so weird. I didn’t get one.
Samuel: That is strange. You have been friends for many years. It must be in there.
[Cam tears the envelope open in a panic.]
Cam: It isn’t!
Samuel: Did you maybe drop it?
Cam: No! Did I? No! But did I, though? No! But did I though?!
[Cam drops to his knees and looks under everything.]
Cam (from the floor): It’s not in the places where I usually drop things. Samuel! What the hell, man?!
Samuel: Hey, Cameron, I’m sure it was a mistake or misunderstanding. I mean, why don’t you give them a telephone call or send them a text message and ask about it?
Cam: Are you kidding me?! Do you know how incredibly, crippling awkward it would be if they didn’t want to invite me? “Oh, hey, Gillian, I didn’t get an invitation to your wedding. Should mine be on the way?”
Cam (bad impression of Gillian): “Oh, that was no mistake, Cam. We hate you and we don’t want you coming and we’ve always hated you and this is just the way we’ve chosen to express it after all these years. Also, you have a dumb face.”
Cam (as himself): “Hurtful, but fair.” Is that what you want me to face, Samuel?!
Samuel: I don’t think you’re gonna face that, you have a pretty smart face. It just sometimes says some dumb things.
Cam: What?!
Samuel: The point is, I don’t think that would happen? To anyone? Ever?
Cam: Except me! This would happen to me! I can’t, I can’t watch a movie right now, I’m too nervous. I’m going to Hopping Mad and Ally will feed me free drinks. And you’re coming with me.
Samuel: Don’t worry, Cameron! The popcorn and I on our way!
[Samuel grabs the brewer’s yeast popcorn and crunches on a bite.]
Samuel: Mmmm, yeasty!
[Cam and Samuel book it out the door. Musical stinger. At Hoppin’ Mad, Ally is behind the bar, cleaning glasses, with low rock music playing over the speakers. Ally throws a glass into a sink full of soapy water.]
Ally: There is no one here. Why did I pick up this shift, which is obviously cursed? Do I just love not giving myself a break, even on a weekend, when everyone else is on a break? I’m so glad that I’m using this extremely specific college degree in mythology and movies to see all the ghosts of customers in this bar. So glad that my job appreciates me and my skills that I bring to the table. I am always working, I wish I had a better job, working, sleep for three hours, working, watch a Lifetime movie, working, working, working, oh my god, why am I here, why did I become...
[Ally puts her face in her hands, mumbling to herself. Outside, a crowd starts to form down the block – the unmistakable sound of Bros talking loudly with each other. They get closer and closer, then they push into the front door of the bar.]
Bro #1: Dude that’s my favorite part!
Bro #2: And when they get caught in the barrels--
Bro #1: Oh! And then they go down the waterfall? That’s--
Bro #2: Oh, yo yo yo.
[The Bros fall silent as they see Ally.]
Ally: Hi?
Bro #1: I am Miguel.
Bro #2: And I am Tulio.
Bros (all together): And they call us Miguel and Tulio!
Bro #2: Give us your finest beverages, wench, as we are madcap con-men who love to drink and play dice games. We are on the path to find El Dorado, and require sustenance!
Ally: ...what is happening here?
Bro #1: You don’t know? We left the manager like ten messages. It’s the anniversary of The Road to El Dorado!
Bros: Best movie ever, woo!
Bro #1: And we’re holding our annual beer crawl, The Road to the City of Beer, where we dress up as the gods themselves, Miguel--
Bro #2: and Tulio!
Bro #1: And, you know, drink.
Bro #2: We came for the gold-
Bros: We stayed for the adventure!
Ally: Um, okay, hi! I’m Ally, goddess of the beers! And your bartender for this afternoon. What’ll you be having?
Bro #2: Um can I have three shots of tequila? And can I also have two shots of Kraken? And what’re your IPAs? Do you have anything locally sourced?
[The Bros start talking all at once as Ally frantically starts cracking cans and filling glasses. The orders fade out. Musical stinger, later. Cam and Samuel enter, and the bar is packed. It’s so loud, you can barely hear yourself as you apologize for spilling someone’s beer all over their tunic. Samuel and Cam say, “Sorry, excuse me, sorry...” as they push to a seat at the far end of the bar.]
Samuel: Holy onions. Why is it so slammed in here? I thought Ally said it would be dead.
Cam: How am I supposed to drown my sorrows if my only friend in the world can’t send free beers my way?
Samuel: Your only friend in the world? What about-
Cam: Yes, you too obviously, Samuel, I am being dramatic, can I be dramatic?!
Samuel: Yeah, yeah yeah. Sure buddy.
[Bro #1 notices their bickering and comes over holding a tray of shots.]
Bro #1: Ha ha! A regular pair of adventurers. Take a shot! Come on, take a shot!
Cam: Yes!
Samuel: I... I don’t drink.
Bro #1: Aw, Bro, I’m sorry I offered that to you.
Cam: I’ll take his!
Bro #1: Sounds good.
Bro #2: Wait, let me...
Bro #2 (yelling at Ally): Bar wench! We request an empty shot glass for our straight edge friend to cheers to our good fortune!
Ally: Ugh, fine, fine! Sure, whatever, yes. What do you want? Okay. Here you go... fair... men... looking for... El Dorado? I don’t know, I’m swamped. Oh my god. What do you want? What did you want?
Bro #1: Cheers! To finding the city of gold!
Bros (simultaneously): Cheers!
Cam (simultaneously): Cheers!
Samuel (simultaneously): Cheers!
[The clink of shots hitting the table, and then a singular clink as Cam takes another one.]
Cam (yelling): Wench! Another round for my brothers in golden arms!
Bros: Huzzah!
Ally: Cam, really? Really?!
Cam (low): Gillian and Ashley probably definitely didn’t invite me to their wedding and I’m feeling pretty terrible about that so can I just have this one? Like, one time?! I’ll owe you two in return.
Ally: It’s definitely going on the list, but they did invite you. They did! It probably just got lost in the mail.
Cam (begging): Please...
Ally: ...okay, okay, more shots!
Cam: Huzzah!
Bros: Huzzah!
Samuel: Salud y amor y tiempo para disfrutarlo!
[A beat of silence in the bar. Samuel chuckles nervously.]
Samuel: “To health and love, and time to enjoy it.” It is Spanish... from Spain... the setting of the movie?
Bros: Bilingual huzzah!
[Musical stinger. An hour or so later, it’s died down a bit, but mostly because people have gotten drunk quickly in the middle of the day. Some of the Bros have moved on to the next part of the bar crawl, but there’s still a lot of tunicked Bros remaining.]
Ally: What was your last name again?
Bro #2: Johnson!
Ally: Johnson. Alright.
[Ally flips through credit cards.]
Ally: Adams, Arthur, Buchanan, Cleveland, Fillmore, Garfield, Harrison, Hayes, Johnson. How do you all have the last names of lesser known presidents? Stupid question, I can answer it myself. Johnson, here you go. Here you go! You card! Thank you.
Bro #2: Thank you.
[Ally grabs a different check.]
Ally: Okay, next, next! Okay, who didn’t tip me?!
Bro #1: I did!
Ally: Oh yeah? Yeah? You did? With these? With these?
[Ally pours out candy coins onto the bar.]
Bro #1: They’re gold dubloons!
Ally: They’re golden chocolate coins from Hanukkah! And dubloons weren’t even a thing in Spain at the time of El Dorado!
Bro #1: Well, it’s all I have in my tipping satchel. Good day, wench!
Ally: Gimme that satchel! I’m gonna check it myself! Gimme a second, guys. I gotta defend my honor. Come back here! I’ll find you Johnson! And when I do...
[Ally hops the bar and sprints out the door. Bro #1 runs, but she manhandles him. We hear lots of struggle and swearing outside.]
Samuel: Do you think maybe we should go out and help her?
Cam: Nah, she’s got it. Also... shoulda tipped her, obvies. She’s fine.
Samuel: Yeah, you definitely should have tipped her, guys! Hey, Cam? When did you bring a computer?
Cam: I didn’t! I heisted it! I’m a rapscallion. A scoundrel.
Samuel: Cameron, that’s a fun bit but...
Cam: Okay, I did bring it. I wanted to write a calm, rational letter to Gillian and Ashley laying out how I felt about not being invited and how there would be no bad blood between us.
Samuel: Oh! So how is that going?
Cam: Like Tony the Tiger preparing cheddar for tacos...
Cam (Tony the Tiger voice): ...ggggreeeaaaaaat! Grating cheese. Get it?
Samuel: Yup, I definitely got it. Does not change the fact that it was the worst thing I have ever heard and you know what I’ve heard?
Cam: No.
Samuel: I have heard the haunted coo of a mother bird looking for eggs devoured at the tiny, marauding hands of mamets. Do you know what that sounds like?
Cam: Woow.
Samuel: Let me see the letter.
[Samuel reaches for Cam’s laptop, and Cam defends it.]
Cam: No! It is a private document, I invoke my 1st amendment rights! The constitution stands!
Samuel: Cameron, maybe you should let me see that.
Cam: No.
Samuel: Just give it here--
[Samuel wrestles the laptop away from Cam.]
Samuel: Thank you.
Cam: Red coat.
Samuel: Uh, Cameron? This letter begins with “13 Ways to Deal With Your Very Good Friends Not Inviting You to Their Wedding”.
Cam: So it’s a little in a litany. I am a poetic master.
Samuel: This looks like an AverageBear post, Cam.
Cam: Well, you know, I wanted feedback from the masses, so there. I wrote it like that. And then it will be my time in the Internet spotlight, no matter what weddings I will or will not be attending.
Samuel: Cameron, I have respected your autonomy for our entire duration living together. So please, I’m just gonna ask you, do not do this.
Cam: I won’t.
Samuel: Cameron.
Cam (bursting): But I wanna!
Samuel: How would you even be able to get it onto the website anyways?
Cam: Well... I have my own log-in through the backend, since I do grammar and spelling and writing and editing and everything. And I can hit the publish button since I do final approvals all the time, so...
Samuel: So... do not do this, please. At least send it to an editor. Look at this! In the first paragraph alone, I see three different misspellings of the word "wedding".
Cam: The more W’s, the better!
Samuel: That’s not true! Cameron Quetzalcoatl Chabon. You will promise that you will not publish this without showing it to an editor.
Cam: ...but-
Samuel: Cameron! Cameron. I believe in only two things truly: 1) the beautiful ending friendship between Tulio and Miguel in the seminal classic The Road to El Dorado, and 2) a promise between two friends is a sacred vow between people who care about one another. So for your own good, please, just promise me that you will not post this until you have approval.
Cam: Okay, fine, I promise. But only because you used my made up middle name and it makes me feel good that you pay attention to my jokes.
Samuel: Oh my god, you lied to me about your middle name?
Cam: No, that’s what I go by.
Samuel: Oh. Quirky!
Cam: Thanks. But it’s Quetzalcoatl.
Samuel: Oh... oh, no. Are you seeing this? Ally has pulled that man’s shirt up over his face and is rooting around in his wallet. I must assist.
Cam: The Ol’ Hockey Jersey. Classic Ally.
Samuel: Ally. Ally! Make good choices! Don’t do that please!
[Samuel runs outside, adding to the scuffling noise outside. Cam is muttering to himself.]
Cam: ...but I want it to be published... I could just... no... Samuel made me promise. Hm…
[Some typing, and then, in a staged, mock worried voice…]
Cam: Oh no, the wifi isn’t working. Whatever should I do?! I know, I can turn my phone into a hotspot. Wait, Cam, that will be so expensive. I know, concerned citizen, I can’t have it on for long. It can’t support me sending messages to my editing team. I only have enough money to post this. Well, here it goes... since it’s my only option...
[Cam copies and pastes, types quickly, and clicks publish.]
Cam: That’ll show ‘em. I’m great at weddings. I know the Cha Cha Slide by heart. “Everybody poop your pants”.
[Cam claps along to the beat of Cha Cha Slide. Musical stinger. This scene is a post on a Facebook-type feed with comments. It starts with a chime and Cam narrating the post, typos and all.]
Cam: “13 Ways to Deal With Your Good Friends Not Inviting You to Their Wedding” by Cameron Chabon. WHAT’S UP LONELY INTERNET PEOPLE, I’VE BEEN EMBIBING AND SOME SHIT JUST HAPPPENING TO ME.
NATALIEGURL1000: lol it me
Cam: So I thought I was going to go to a wedding of friens that I knew since collage but turns out I’m noooot. HA HA jokes on them I’m great at weddingz.
TEXAS4EVER: Shared this - you better invite me to your nuptials or this will happen to you!
Cam: But no problem I got plans.
BUNNYBUNNYBUNNY: looooooooool
Cam: 1) already made a playlist to help y’all out with all y’all stuff. And y’all don’t know what you’re missing. BAM. CHA CHA SLIDE. BAM. RIDE WIT ME BY NELLY. BAM. THE ONLY GOOD BLACK EYED PEAS SONG. BAM.
NANANAHEYHEYGOODBI: “THE ONLY GOOD BLACK EYED PEAS SONG” let’s get it started remix, obvs.
Cam: 2) I own my tux! That’s right.
DIANA MOON GLAMPERS: Wow, who owns a tux?
Cam: I’m a thrifty motherforker.
CATIE4000: @mom @mom again, you!
CATIESMOMHASGOTITGOINON: hahaha that is me please call when you get a chance.
Cam: Gonna wear it around the house...
AVADACANDELABRA: GO IN, yes!
Cam: ...and drink champagne in little subtle sips. Cause I can.
DENNYFRANCISCO0312: SAME
Michellea422472: ME
THEREALCHRISHARRISON: ME
Michellea422472: ME
ROSEANDBROSE: ME
Lalala5555555551: ME
[More and more people pop in and comment until the sound of clicking, typing, and people commenting rises to a fever pitch. We fade out on the ping of notifications. Musical stinger. The bar, much later. We pull back into the real world with real conversation and the low rock music playing. Cam dropped his phone on the floor, and it’s buzzing constantly. Ally and Samuel finally come back in, breathing hard, and both head over to Cam. Cam is asleep on the bar.]
Ally: Cam..? Cam? Cam? Hey, buddy? HEY!
[Ally slams on the bar.]
Cam: I’m grapes!
Samuel: Oh yeah, I’m sure you are grapes, buddy. Look, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that. It was as if she were three spider monkeys at once. But they were all trained by soccer dads in how to rumble.
Ally: Oh my god, Samuel. That is like the nicest thing I’ve heard this year, thank you.
Samuel: You’re welcome!
Ally: Oh my god. What’d you get up to?
Cam: Nothing! Nothing. Not anything.
Ally: What is that buzzing?
Cam: Who can say?
Ally: Is that your phone?
Cam: Hey, it is! Nice.
[Samuel’s phone starts chiming a bunch of times in a row.]
Samuel: Hold on a second. Oh, wow, look at all these texts. Hey, it’s from my ex! Oh! And... another ex. And another. And another. And the one from Canada. Wow! They all sent me the same link. It’s... oh, no. No! No! No! Cameron. Cameron you didn’t and you swore to me!
Cam: My fingers were crossed! I am a trickster god and I unleash chaos upon the world.
Ally: Okay, what’s going on?
Samuel: Look at this.
[A beat as Ally reads, then Ally laughs.]
Ally: Oh my god. This is good. This is really good. My only regret is that I did not help you write this. Ah! You got ‘em.
Cam: Thank you, only positives from my good friend Ally and not my bummer friend Samuel Clemens.
Samuel: Hey, this is not about who is fun and who is a bummer! This is about you making a promise. You promised me. Why did I think I could believe you? Why? Why?!
Ally: Yeah that’s totally on you. He was wasted, dude. You can’t trust drunk Cam to make anything but the worst possible decisions. But I gotta admit, it is pretty funny. Okay, I’m gonna go spit blood into the sink. Brb.
Cam: Oh, a phone call. From Lydia. Woo!
[Cam picks up the phone.]
Cam: Hello, Lyds! What a surprise to hear your melodious voice over the phone waves, and on a weekend no less.
Lydia (on speakerphone): Cam. What did you do?
Cam: I took back the night.
Lydia (on speakerphone): What?
Cam: It is mine!
Lydia (on speakerphone): This is serious.
Cam: I know! It is a seriously good article, right?
Lydia (on speakerphone): Okay, I had to confirm that it was you and not someone who stole your laptop and published this wackadoodle post.
Cam: Nope, all me. Are you impressed?
Lydia (on speakerphone): ...does it undercut the anger I’m supposed to have as a writer of AverageBear if I say yes?
Cam: It does, but I want to hear it anyway because I like it when you say nice things to me.
Lydia (on speakerphone): It’s hilarious. And it’s on the front page. The algorithm got a hold of it before the weekend editor noticed and it’s too late now. You’re a viral star.
Cam: I knew it! Also, it explains why my phone won’t stop buzzing.
Lydia (on speakerphone): Good job, you big idiot.
Cam: Good job you and your attractive face and stuff.
Lydia (on speakerphone): What?
[Cam drops his phone into the beer in front of him.]
Samuel: Karma.
Cam: Bar wench! A round for the greatest con-men in all of 16th century Spain!
Ally (from the back): Nope, we’re going home!
Cam: Bar wench! Comp my tab, I am Internet famous!
Ally: Also, no. Give me a good tip!
Cam: Bar wench! Escort me home!
Ally: Okay!
Cam: Success!
[Musical stinger. Back at the apartment, Samuel and Ally drag Cam inside, who is extremely sleepy, and throw him on the couch.]
Samuel: Alright! On three!
Ally: Three--
Samuel (simultaneously): 2, 1-
Ally (simultaneously): 2, 1-
[They toss him on the couch with a satisfying WOMP.]
Ally: This is the most physical labor I’ve done in months. I’m living for it.
Samuel: And to reward that, I will check our mail.
Ally: I already did that this morning, why would there be mail? And it’s Sunday, no mail Sundays.
[Samuel pops out and checks the mail, then comes back in.]
Samuel: A-ha, here it is! One lone letter waiting. That’s weird. It says “Open me, Cam!”
Ally: So what? It’s for Cam.
Samuel: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah. And when we got the invitations to the wedding, that’s what they said, “Open me!”. And if this one is specifically for Cam… Oh, oh, we gotta check it out.
[Ally laughs loudly and continues laughing as Samuel opens the invitation. Cam snores in the background.]
Samuel: “Cam: we’re so, so sorry! We thought we put all of the invites in the same envelope. Here’s yours. We couldn’t envision this day without you.”
[Ally takes a deep, post-laugh breath.]
Samuel: Hey. You think we should wake him up and tell him?
Ally: Nah. We’ll wait til tomorrow. He earned it.
Samuel: Yeah, you’re right. Hey, so. You wanna to watch The Road to El Dorado?
Ally: Absolutely not-o. And never again. Goodnight Samuel.
Samuel: That’s fair. Goodnight Ally.
[Ally goes into her room. Samuel sets up on the couch, pushing a snoring Cam to the side. Samuel grabs at a bowl of popcorn still sitting on the coffee table and turns on the movie. He crunches into a handful of popcorn.]
Samuel: Let’s get down to business. Still good.
[ We fade out on the theme from The Road to El Dorado and Cam's snores.]
[NEXT STOP outro plays.]
NEXT STOP is a Multitude Production created by Eric Silver. You can find our full cast list, credits, and transcripts at NextStopShow.com