7. The Gang Throws a Birthday
/Samuel’s turning 30 and he doesn’t want to do anything about it. Ally cannot stand that, so she pushes Samuel to have the biggest and best birthday ever. Cam realizes that male friendships are weird so he doesn’t know what to get Samuel for his birthday, so he reaches out to his work-wife Lydia for advice.
About
NEXT STOP is a Multitude production written and created by Eric Silver. You can read more about the show, including our full cast list and episode transcripts, at http://nextstopshow.com. We’re on Twitter and Instagram @NextStopShow. Join our Patreon (http://patreon.com/nextstopshow) to gain access to behind-the-scenes content, additional scenes, bloopers, and the opportunity to have your name included in the credits of Episode 10. Learn more about Multitude at http://multitude.productions
Credits
Written and Created by Eric Silver
Directed, Edited, and Sound Designed by Brandon Grugle
Executive Produced by Amanda McLoughlin
Assistant Directed, Casting, and Additional Editing by Julia Schifini
Starring
Yemie Sonuga (she/her/hers) as Ally Lonergan
Nick Fondulis (he/his/him) as Cameron Chabon
Ian Henry Walls (he/his/him) as Samuel Clemens
With
Anya Krawcheck (she/her/hers) as Lydia
Samantha Cooper (she/her/hers) as Service Person
Production
Music by Evan Cunningham
Additional Scoring by Brandon Grugle
Art by Allyson Wakeman
Script Consulting by Octavia Bray
Production Consulting by Lauren Shippen
Engineered by Cara Ehlenfeldt
This podcast was recorded under the SAG-AFTRA Collective Bargaining Agreement using a cash advance from Patreon. Read more about the production process, download our free resources for fiction podcasters, and find pronouns and bios for all cast and crew at http://nextstopshow.com
Transcript
[NEXT STOP theme plays. At the apartment, Ally is nailing an oversized calendar into the wall. First, a bunch of quick knocks. Then a big one. Then a crash.]
Ally: Ow!
[Ally drops the hammer onto her foot, and the entire calendar falls. Samuel and Cam run out to see what the commotion is.]
Samuel: Oh, Ally! Are you okay?!
Cam: Ally, are you alright? I heard crashing and banging that I’ve only associated with big budget action sequences that failed domestically but succeeded abroad.
Ally: Yup. Yup, you got it. I’m dead and also a controlled explosion in Fast and Furious 10: X Gone Give It To Ya.
Cam: I’d watch that.
Ally: I knew you would.
[Ally grumbles in pain as she tends to her wound.]
Samuel (feigning surprise): Oh no, Ally, are you okay? What is this extremely large calendar doing here, it’s so very strange. I did not know you were bringing it here.
Ally: Well, I wanted to put a calendar up so we know all the important days in each other’s lives. I’ve memorized all of Cam’s, but Cam’s a shit friend and he’s memorized none of mine! Bad friend.
Cam: You got me.
Ally: And we can learn stuff about each other! Oh god! Like, I wrote down the anniversary of when I got my first car, Big Donna-- I loved her.
Samuel (failing to play it cool): Ha ha, oh wow, that is so cool and fun and like, great for friendship guys. Well, too bad that nothing important has ever happened to me in my entire life ever, so I cannot contribute. Ah, darn. Woe is me. Terrible news--
Ally: There gotta be something. There’s gotta be something-- I’m sorry, I’m hurting. Like... when’s your birthday?
[A beat.]
Ally: Samuel? When’s your birthday?
Samuel: I don’t know.
Cam: You don’t...know?
Samuel: It’s very difficult for me to talk about because I.... forgot it. Yes. I forgot my birthday. After a terrible, terrible dirigible accident, I lost my memory and I cannot remember my birthday. The doctors’ said I would never play the bassoon again, it was a tragedy. I can’t look my mother in the eyes! Oh lord, why me…. why…..?
[The three sit in silence for a beat. Samuel clears his throat.]
Samuel: So...we’re not buying that?
Ally: No.
Cam: No, but great use of ‘dirigible’.
Ally: Great use.
Samuel: Thank you, thank you.
[Another moment of silence. Cam clears his throat.]
Samuel: ...my birthday’s Friday.
Ally (screaming): AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Cam: Ally loves birthdays.
Ally: -HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
Cam: You should run.
Samuel: I don’t think I can. I’m transfixed by her lung capacity.
Ally: -HHHHHHHHHHHH SAMUEL!
[Ally freaks out.]
Ally: WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY? EVERYONE DESERVES A BIRTHDAY!
Samuel: What? I mean it’s like-- It’s not that monumental of an occasion. I was born one-and-a-half-minus-one score ago this Friday. So are thousands of babies a second. I am only one man in a tsunami of babies. A tidal wave of babies. A hurricane of babies that are born all the time, it doesn’t really matter, guys! You don’t have to worry about it...
Cam: If I’m quiet for the rest of this conversation, it’s because I’m Googling what a score is.
[Cam gets out his phone and starts typing.]
Ally: Oh my god. But you are special! Because I say so. We have to do something. We have to do something. Don’t worry budby, I got it. I’m on it. I can take care of everything for you. Because you are special and amazing and you deserve a birthday.
Cam (to himself, scrolling): ...not the nation's largest network of volunteer expert business mentors... not the points in a game... not getting pills but it sounds like you’re in a 90s afterschool special...
Ally: I got it! Oh my god! You won’t have to do anything. You won’t even have to lift a finger! You won’t have to even lift a toe! All you have to do is lift your body to get there!
Samuel: Oh, super nice guys but I think that maybe I’ll have to--
[Ally protests loudly.]
Ally: Not a fraction of a digit or a bat of an eyelash. Oh my gosh! Just come with me to see if you like the place that I book for you and everything else is on me!
Samuel (reluctantly): I’ll have a birthday this year.
[Ally cheers.]
Ally: I have to get my birthday binder! Five days before the perfect Samuel birthday party. I can do this. I have the technology. Beep bop boop, I am birthday robot, I do not feel, I only deliver birthdays. How do you feel about shuffleboard in 1950s Havana?
Samuel: I have absolutely no feelings about that.
Ally: Good place to start, and an open mind. You’re gonna love it.
[Ally laughs nearly manically and runs off to her room.]
Cam: Hm. 20 years. So you’re like, 37?
Samuel: No, I’m not 37--Cameron, I am not sure about this party. I don’t need a big thing, really. Really, I don’t want a big deal, you just have to--
Cam (playing along): Oh, I gotcha. Wink wink. Yeah, no big parties or big deals, absolutely. Wink. Totally, totally, bye. I gotta go to work and absolutely not plan a big birthday party with Ally. Wink. It’ll be so lowkey, I promise. Wink. Alright, off to work. See ya in... a score!
[Cam walks out the front door.]
Samuel: You know, Cam, you’re saying you got it, but in a cadence that really makes it feel like you don’t got it!
Cam (from outside): WINK.
[Samuel groans.]
[Musical stinger as we move to the AverageBear office - it is exactly what you’d expect from a modern, cool, hip media outlet. Except it’s not dying and there’s a union, because it’s fictional and I want it to exist. Conversations bubbling, lots of typing, and everyone has a swivel chair. Cam is puttering around on the Internet, trying to find something for Samuel’s birthday.]
Cam: Alright, gotta find a present for my roommate who is my good friend and I know really well. Here we go.
[A beat. Typing. Another two beats, then]
Cam: Do they sell cotton-candy machines for personal use? No, wait, that wouldn’t fit in the apartment. I gotta text Ally. Wait, wait. Ally is planning this whole thing by herself. I can’t depend on her to do this for me. I gotta be my own man.
[A beat, then]
Cam: I wonder what Lydia thinks.
[Cam opens Slack and messages Lydia. Until the end of the scene, Cam and Lydia are on Slack.]
Cam: Lyyyyyyyds. Lyyyyyyds. Lyds. Gif of Tom Cruise begging HELP ME, HELP YOU.
Lydia: I have been summoned. Gif denier.
Cam: Haha. Like a genie from a lamp because I need youuu. So I will ignore your mispronunciation of Gif.
Lydia: This is unsurprising, as you are a big doofus and need a lot of help.
Cam: And you’re the only one who can do it.
Lydia: Okay, what’s up?
Cam: I don’t know what to get my roommate for his birthday and I need helppppp.
Lydia: Hah okay, okay. Well, what does he like?
Cam: Uh, he has a computer. And he’s very tall.
Lydia: And...
Cam: I don’t know! We watch soccer together sometimes.
Lydia: Oh, he loves soccer!
Cam: No, I think he just watches because it’s something to watch.
Lydia: And you like soccer?
Cam: No, I just watch it ‘cause it’s on on Saturday morning.
Lydia: Men have very weird friendships.
Cam: LYDS, c’mon, I know you got something! You work in the magical quiz department that tells you exactly about everything. Isn’t there a fun, gif-laden webpage that’ll tell me exactly what to get my guy roommate for his birthday or winter gifting holiday?
Lydia:...yes, we just published that one today. We Know Exactly What to Get Your Male Roommate for His Birthday or Winter Gift-Giving Holiday, Just Tell Us Some Stuff. Okay, link send.
[Lydia sends the link.]
Cam: See, I knew it!
Lydia: I wrote that one, let me know how it goes. I really wanna probe into your weird man friendship psyche.
Cam: lol there is nothing there, I swear. And I love your quizzes, I take all of them.
Lydia: What!!! I didn’t know that. Very cool, very cool, thank you.
Cam: I told a quiz my favorite cheese was goat cheese, and they told me I was exactly like Judge Lance Ito.
Lydia: Oh, yeah - Tell Us Your Dairy Loves and We’ll Tell You Who You Were From the OJ Simpson Trial.
Cam: Edgy.
Lydia: Well, I read a lot of stuff on the site, so I know I read your grammar editing all the time.
Cam: lol almost the same, but it’s not.
Lydia: You’re important and I am making a declarative statement about it!!
Cam: Okay, okay, I got a quiz to do. Gif of Dwayne Wade Waving Goodbye to a Crowd.
Lydia: Bye felicia.
Cam: Don’t call me Felicia.
[A beat.]
Cam: jk I get it.
Lydia: Great job.
[Musical stinger. Transition to Cubanos Sliders. It really is a shuffleboard place that is 1950s Havana themed. For NYC people, it’s based on the Royal Palms Shuffleboard Club. It’s “exotic/tropical” themed, with island drinks, a bar that wraps around the entire building, and five shuffleboard courts in the middle. It’s open 22 hours a day, five days a week and is pretty much always busy. Samuel walks in and is assaulted by loud rumba music. He looks for Ally, then talks to the host.]
Samuel (shouting over the music): Hi, I’m looking for my friend. She said to meet her here.
Host (at a normal volume): Well hello, compadre, welcome to Cubano Sliders, where the air is sweet and the drinks are sweeter. Are you here to shuffleboard it up or just sip on some pre-revolution goods?
Samuel (still shouting): I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. The rumba is way too loud.
Host: Oh. Let me get that for you.
[The music is turned down.]
Host: It’s not that it’s that loud in here, it’s actually that it’s quiet outside and loud in here.
Samuel: I am certain that thing you said to me is not the truth.
Ally (shouting from far away): Samuel, get over here, you’ve got to try this!
[Samuel heads over to where Ally is.]
Samuel: What... what is this place exactly?
Ally: Cubano Sliders, your home for biscuits, tangs, and all-around fun with your troops. It says so on this card. And it’s themed around 1950s Havana!
Samuel: It’s...huge?
Ally: Isn’t it? It used to be a canning factory for bad fish-- or was it good cat food? I can’t remember. Then it was abandoned, and then it was a paintball arena, and then it was abandoned again. And now, boom, shuffleboard! Wouldn’t that be fun?
Samuel: I don’t know if this is gonna work. I’ve never played shuffleboard. And I’ve never worn white linen.
Ally: Oh Samuel, you’ve got to. It’s crisp, it’s clear, it’s white. Maybe you should.
Samuel: I don’t know...
Ally: And, oh man, you have got to try this drink. It’s usually the Presidente Batista, but they’ll rename it “Presidente Samuel Clemens” if you grease the wheel a little bit, if you know what I’m saying. You know what I’m saying? You know what I’m saying.
Samuel: I...I think I do.
Ally: Great, let’s see if we can book it for this weekend! Oh, señorita!
Host: Yes, señorita!?
Ally: I love when you call me that. We would like to throw a birthday party for my good hombre Samuel Clemens here. How do we do that?
Host: Cool. So, Cubano Sliders is a first come-first served walk-in shuffleboard club and speakeasy. However, we do accept a limited amount of Cabana Party Reservations for groups of 10 or more.
Ally: Oh yeah, we totally have 10 people.
Samuel: Well we haven’t actually finalized that list yet so maybe we could talk--
Host: Cool, yep. So that Cabana Party will run you $50 per hour per reserved court, plus a mandatory beverage package for all guests. And that would be $25 per hour per guest for unlimited crappy beer.
Ally: Wait, what’re we talking about, like crappy beer--
Host: And, we can bump that to $35 per hour per guest for unlimited okay beer and terrible liquor--
Ally: But what’s the okay beer?
Host: $50 per hour per guest for unlimited decent beer--
Ally: What’s the decent beer?
Host:-- wine we have in the back, and special house cocktails that we ran from the mainland. And, $100 per hour per guest for unlimited premium beer in a custom-painted turquoise keg, wine, premium liquor, including the entire cocktail menu,
Ally: She’s like, not listening at all…
Samuel: I don’t think so...
Host: ...and we’ll provide a bouncer to stare at the other patrons who are not at your party so they don't even think about touching the keg, that’s yours. Yeah, the bouncer’s really good.
Ally: Thank you for…all of that. But it sounds like these numbers are really adding up and you haven’t really said anything.
Samuel: Yeah, plus we know that one bouncer. And if he couldn’t be our bouncer, I don’t think we could have the party.
Ally: And when you say crappy beer, what do you--
Host: As for this weekend...(scrolls through the POS)...we have openings like 4:30 AM on Sunday, but our entire morning three Tuesdays from now is wide open.
Samuel: Oh...Let me check my schedule - oh, yep, sorry, I’m gonna be asleep then.
Ally: The real question is why would you let me sit down and get all excited about it without telling me the wild prices?
Host: Well, most people who come here are crazy rich, so they’re okay with that. I mean, the entire theme of this place is based around a period of opulence before a political revolution.
Ally: Ah, yeah...That hadn’t dawned on me, but now I get it.
Samuel: So, um... thank you. It was very nice of you to lend us your time, I think we’re gonna have to take our party elsewhere, but we appreciate the time and the decor and the purple muscle car right out front, and the music that was definitely way too loud. Thank you, it’s all very authentic.
Host: Well, I’m sorry to hear that! Vaya con dios.
Ally (low to Host): Can I have another Presidente Samuel Clemens to go?
Host (matching Ally): No.
Ally (normal volume): Vaya con dios!
[Musical stinger, transition back to Cam at the AverageBear offices. This scene is also done entirely on Slack.]
Cam: LYYYYYYYYDS I DID IT. I did the quiz.
Lydia: So you’re just slacking me to tell me I’m amazing and you’re impressed with my vision, talent, and general aura?
Cam: It didn’t work.
Lydia: The quiz is down?
Cam: No, I mean I still have NO idea what to get my roommate. Help meeeeee. Helppppp. Help. Please?
[Cam stares at the chat. Lydia doesn’t respond.]
Cam: Don’t leave meeee! crying emoji
Lydia: Sorry, sorry I had to do like, actual work for a second.
Cam: HELP MEEEEEE!
Lydia: Okay, so what did you get?
Cam: I got a gnome that gives you a double middle finger.
Lydia: Hahaha! Great present. What’s the problem?
Cam: Samuel hates gnomes. He once said he had a dream as a kid about a bunch of gnomes tying him to his bed, Gulliver’s Travels style. He starts to sweat if he even sees a photo of one.
Lydia: Well who took the test?
Cam: Uhhhh, I did? Obvs.
Lydia : Ya doofus. He takes the test. You’re supposed to ask HIM the questions secretly, and then you see the answer, and boom, then you get him the present.
Cam: Ooooooooooooooooooh smort.
Lydia: I know. I am.
Cam: Okay, I’ll do that tonight. You’re a lifesaver.
Lydia: The credit I deserve. So, when are you going to give him the present? Just in the apartment, or will it be in public? And if it is in public, can I be at said public gathering?
Cam: Huh?
Lydia: Is there going to be a birthday party? I’m great at parties, I make you look super good by being wildly attractive and charming.
Cam: lol yeah there is... I think? Ally is taking care of it. When I know, you’ll be invited.
Lydia: Great, I’m gonna watch your emails.
Cam: Cool, like--
Lydia: Backslash Giphy Miley Cyrus Party in USA. Dammit, I mean. Gif of Miley Cyrus singing Party in the USA.
[Musical stinger. Transition back to the apartment where Samuel is bouncing the Pinky ball against the ceiling again, this time more absentmindedly then before. Once, twice, three times. On the fourth one, Ally bursts into the room and the ball hits Samuel squarely in the face.]
Ally: Okay, new plan!
Samuel: Oh... ow. Oh my face. Oh my face, gahhhh.
Ally: So I know the shuffleboard place was a bit of a bust, but that just made me want to do this so much harder for you, Samuel. I am gonna plan you the biggest birthday bash ever. So! I wrote up a list of fun things to do. Let me run through all of them, then I’ll run through all of them again and you’ll either say “yes,” “no,” or “eh” to all of them. Sound good?
Samuel: Ally, I think we could save some time and just -
Ally: Great. Outdoor movie screening of all the Lord of the Rings. Indoor skydiving. Hibachi, but you’re the hibachi chef. Treasure Island, Indiana Jones style. Treasure Island, Blackbeard style. Go to space question mark? Not really sure why I wrote this one down, but you know I wanted to keep the pen moving, I wanted to keep the juices flowing--
Samuel: Ally! Ally can we please stop? I don’t want any of these parties.
Ally: I mean, I have twenty more ideas if you’d let me finish.
Samuel: No, I mean, I really don’t want you to plan me anything. I thought it would be fun, but I hate it and I truly don’t want any sort of celebration in my name, in space, or on this planet.
Ally: You hate it? Wow, I mean, I thought some of this stuff was pretty fun.
Samuel: No, no. They do sound fun, Ally. I just… I just don’t want to do any of them. Maybe we can do something smaller, y’know, go to dinner or see a movie, smuggle in some chips?
Ally: You could have told me all of this before I poured all this time and energy into wanting to throw a party for my friend.
Samuel: I did say something. Were you not paying attention to my intonation when I said, “I have a birthday this year.”?
Ally: That's not a no! Did I not just tell you the options? Yes! No! It wasn’t even an “eh”! I threw my whole self into this, Samuel. And I feel kinda stupid now. Honestly.
Samuel: You? You feel stupid, Ally? What about me? What would this look like? I have two friends who I live with and maybe an acquaintance or two who I know in actual person! Sure, I have Internet friends, but I don’t even know their real names, let alone if they’d want to attend a party in my honor. I just... I don’t want there to be a big soirée and then my roommates show up and that’s it. It’s embarrassing. And I let you go on planning because it could be fun and because it looked like you were enjoying this. This was something you wanted to do and I want you to do the things that you want to do, Ally.
Ally: I did this because I care about you! You’re my friend!
Samuel: Alright! Okay, Ally. If you’re my friend, just drop it. And could you get out of my room?
Ally: You deserve a good birthday, Samuel.
Samuel: Now.
Ally: Fine. You didn’t even hear the best part. There was jetbacks! There were gonna be jetpacks! I wrote jetpacks on this list. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A YES.
Samuel: Ohohoh there were jetpacks on the list? There were jetpacks on the list? You mean those lame things that they have now? You know that jetpacks don’t live up to science fiction, and that is a fact, Ally!
[Ally slams the door shut. Musical transition. It is later at the apartment. It is thundering outside and rain is pattering against the fire escape. Cam comes home from work with the quiz loaded on his phone.]
Cam: Hey, Samuel Clementine! Samuel..? Where are you?
Samuel: Hello, Cameron.
Cam: What’s goin on?
Samuel: Why...what ever do you mean?
Cam: Well, you’re staring at a blank TV screen and there’s a pink Spaldeen ball in the sink, so that’s different than usual.
Samuel: Oh. I threw it in there. By accident.
Cam: Is Ally here?
Samuel: No, I think she went to work? I cannot keep track of her goings-on and places.
Cam: Hm, okay. Well, I have something to pick your spirits up. How about a fun quiz I found online?
Samuel: Maybe. Only! Only if you bring me the Pinky ball and I can toss it in the air as I answer.
Cam: I gotcha. Ooh, it’s sticky.
[Cam picks it up and tosses it to Samuel. Samuel absentmindedly tosses the Pinky ball in the air as he answers.]
Samuel: So sorry.
Cam: Okay! Question one: How would you describe yourself? Adventurous, loyal, witty, or stylish?
Samuel: Or?
Cam: Um… you gotta pick one.
Samuel: Oh. Well that’s not a lot of choices.
Cam: Only a few choices.
Samuel: Um...Loyal! Loyal? Loyal.
Cam: Alright. Question two: Choose a 2000s teen movie – Mean Girls, Bring It On, Princess Diaries, Superbad.
Samuel: Mmmm. Oh. Oh oh oh! Mean Girls. Oh, I am a huge Lohan fan.
Cam: Bold. Question three: If you had to go on vacation, where would you go? The beach, a cabin in the woods, on a cruise, skiing in the mountains.
Samuel: Oh, a cruise? I went on a cruise once. Oh, I was a little kid. My mom saved a bunch of money and we flew down to Florida and got on this four-day cruise through the Keys. That ship was the biggest thing I’d ever seen, even though it wouldn’t be that big if I saw it now. The coolest thing was that it had its own bowling alley, but I was like 11 at the time so I couldn’t really go by myself. And my mom didn’t want to go because she just wanted to sit back in a deck chair and read romance novels and sleep and drink tequila and eat M&Ms - peanut flavored, don’t forget.
Cam: I remembered.
Samuel: I guess now that I think back on it, she really needed that. But I found out there was children’s programming, and on the last day, it was pizza and bowling, so I’m thinking, “neat, friends and bowling.” And I went down to the bowling area at 1:30 PM on the last day of the cruise and it turned out I was the only kid who signed up. And I gotta tell you, once I got over the weirdness of expecting others and being totally alone, I had the best time – a slice of pepperoni in one hand and a six-pound bowling ball patterned like a galaxy in the other.
[A beat.]
Cam: So the choices were beach, cabin, skiing, or cruise.
Samuel: Skiing. I don’t know. I’ve never done that before. You know, Cameron, my friend, I’m gonna go lie down. Can we just finish the quiz later?
Cam: Right. Yeah, yeah. Later.
[Samuel goes to his room. Cam thinks for a second, then his phone vibrates.]
Ally (texting): I made Samuel mad and I have no idea what to do. He doesn’t think anyone will come to his birthday because all of his friends are online.
Cam (out loud): Oh! I got this!
Cam (texting): Oh! I got this!
[Musical stinger. Transition to Cam and Samuel texting.]
Cam (texting): Hey Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain aka Birthday Boy. Come meet me at this location. Location pin drop.
Samuel (texting): Thanks for the invitation, Cameron, but I’ll pass. I’m not really in the mood.
Cam (texting): Hey, would I steer you wrong? If you hate it, you can go right back to playing with your pink balls. Haha get it?
Samuel (texting): I do get it. Okay, heading over now.
[Samuel opens a door and enters a bar/bowling alley - The Gutter.]
Ally AND Cam: Not a surprise! It’s your birthday and it’s not a big deal!
Samuel: Woah, what is this place?
Ally: The Gutter, where you can drink yourself into the gutter and then play yourself into the gutter.
Cam: You were talking about bowling on the cruise, so I thought this would be perfect. Who cares who’s here, we’re doing something fun. And, as a 29 year old and not an 11 year old, you can drink!
Ally: Cue the Marimbas!
Samuel: Guys...This is... Woah. This is exactly what I wanted and I didn’t even know I wanted it. Oh!
Lydia: And I helped.
Samuel: I’m sure you did! Also, who are you?
Lydia: Lydia. I work with Cam. Happy Birthday!
Samuel: Thank you.
Lydia: Alright, so when are we gonna start stomping pins?
Cam: Right now. I’m going to put BUTTS as your name in the system.
Lydia: Ohohohoho! This is fair. Please enter your name as PISS.
Cam: Oh, so I see you’re calling me Number One.
Lydia: As long as I don’t slip on some piss, you piss bowler.
Cam: Oh, you can bounce off your BUTT.
[Cam and Lydia run away, to get the bowling started, clearly flirting.]
Ally: Hey, Samuel Clemens. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make you feel bad, I just wanted you to have a great birthday.
Samuel: I know. I... I never really had a whole lot of friends. Not when I was a kid, not in my hometown. And especially now. It’s like it was being thrown in my face for the first time, not by you or Cam, just by life?
Ally: Life throws things in my face all the time. I gotcha.
Samuel: Did you know about the bowling story?
Ally: I didn’t. This? This was all Cam.
Samuel: Aw! You’re a good man, Cam.
Cam (distant): Thank you!
Samuel: Hey, he was trying to make me take a quiz earlier this week? Do you think he was maybe running a scam on me? Cause I think that was what might be happening?
Ally: Oh my god, absolutely. Ask a bunch of personal questions and then all of a sudden you’re rattling off your social security number and ATM pin.
Samuel: Oh, I need to stay sharp to avoid that in the big city.
Ally: Happy birthday, Samuel Clemens.
Samuel: Thank you, Allison Lonergan.
Ally: Oh wait, I got you a present!
[Samuel exclaims loudly in excitement]
Samuel: A full size cotton candy machine?! You shouldn’t have!
[Ally laughs]
Cam (distant): What the hell, you got me a gift card to Joey Pepperoni’s Pasta Explosion for my birthday! It was for 17 dollars and thirty nine cents!
Ally: Mind your business, PISS!
[The NEXT STOP theme plays.]
NEXT STOP is a Multitude Production created by Eric Silver. You can find our full cast list, credits, and transcripts at NextStopShow.com